Get over yourself Reese.

Reese Witherspoon is filming a new movie either about softball or having a softball part within the movie. Since she's such a dedicated and emotional thespian, willing to go to any length to achieve the suspension of disbelief, she has thrown herself into her new role like the master of method acting himself, Brando would've done. I heard someone say they saw Reese on the set and she was chewing tobacco, grabbing her crotch, and spitting sunflower seeds. To be honest, I couldn't hate Hollywood more unless every movie released next year portrayed Beyonce as a master of peace talks with Al-Qaeda. Reese, you're catching softballs, not disarming landmines in Cambodia. I once saw someone fight a grizzley bear with their bare hands that had less armor on their bodies than this. If you need a catcher's mask to catch a softball, can you imagine how horrific her portrayal of a real softball player is going to be? I wish America would boycott Hollywood so these insufferable assholes would be forced to actually join the real world and feel true economic uncertainty. When you are paid 15 million dollars to catch ground balls, you'd think she'd do a better job than this. It looks like instead of trying to catch real softballs, she's catching rolling spheres of certain death. I'd rather have my penis fall off from gangrenous necrosis than pay 8.50 to see this piece of shit movie.

Now this is true talent...

This is one of the paintings of Madonna that is circulating around the internet this week. Frankly, I've never seen a painting capture the essense of a human being like this one does. You could have a 3-D hologram that wouldn't be as spot on as this painting. I feel an enormous sense of remorse for Guy Ritchie. I can only imagine what it must be like to be married to Skeletor and be forced and expected to fulfill her sexually. Geez, Ritchie's sexual trysts with this sinewy, lipoatrophic narcissist must be the most painful and selfless act of love ever performed by a mortal man. He should be Cannonnized by God in person. I can't even fathom the condition of Ritchie's mental health. I bet he wakes up in pools of his own sweat and urine from simple flashbacks of seeing her at the breakfast table. I'm almost positive my penis would stand a better chance of survival if I shoved it into a food processor with diamond blades, sulphuric acid and Black Cat firecrackers.

This just doesn't look like a killer...

Legendary music producer Phil Spector was sentenced Friday to 19 years to life in prison for killing actress and House of Blues VIP hostess Lana Clarkson in the foyer of his Alhambra mansion more than six years ago.

Spector did not speak on his own behalf during his sentencing at the downtown Los Angeles courthouse, but defense attorney Doron Weinberg -- while extending sympathy to the victim's family -- maintained that his client "did not kill Lana Clarkson."

There's no way this guy is guilty. Look at him. Aside from looking like a cult leader trying to lead a mass suicide and a subsequent trip to an alien UFO, Phil Spector looks completely sane. If Phil Spector got 19 years, what did his hair get? Because let's face it, that psychotic rat nest is the real killer in this case. Hey CSI, the hair did it. Case closed.

Cameron Diaz = Claymation

I've scowered the internet the last few days and every blog keeps posting these pictures of Cameron Diaz. Except telling you the truth, they wanna lie and tell you she's hot. Well, she's not. She burst on the scene in The Mask and Something About Mary and I thought that she was the sexiest, coolest chick on Earth. Holy crap, was I wrong. Her playful idiocy and crude mannerisms are about as charming as cancer. I'm not sure what Cameron is made of, but I would put even money she's either a walking talking wax figure from Madam Tussauds, or a claymation character from Chicken Run. Seriously, what's up with her skin in every picture. It's shiny and looks like molded clay and that's not a good look on her. The only way to make this wrinkly premature aging assassin even remotely resemble her reputation of a Hollywood Hottie is to airbrush the ever living shit out of her to the point where she doesn't even resemble Cameron Diaz. She said she wouldn't want to be 30 anymore. Puhlease...who is she kidding. This hag would sell her soul to be as hot as "Mary" again. I'm so tired of Hollywood forcing the girls on us. It truly makes me sick to my stomach that magazines expect us to believe that the airbrushed Monet in the above picture would even be recognizable on a public street. I could walk past Cameron Diaz sixty-two times and wouldn't give her a second look. Afterall, if you're a 20 million dollar a movie starlet, you're an alleged sex symbol, and can't find a guy to marry you, you suck...and youre made of clay. This means you too Aniston.

Megan Average

I pretty much rest my case. If this is the hottest girl in Hollywood, I surrender my testes. Forever. No Joke.

Francoeur's future is bleak, if we're lucky.

Rumor out of Atlanta is that local underperforming phenom, Jeff Francour, is being considered in a trade to the Boston Red Sox. Personally, I think this is a bad move unless the Braves are 100% certain they can also trade the worst centerfielder in major league baseball, Jordan Schaefer. The Atlanta Braves have the absolute worst offensive outfield in baseball without question. Also, on a side note, if I have to hear announcers blame Chipper's poor performance on another injured toe again, I'm gonna chew off my achilles. This is not hyperbole, but biting the heads off Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches seems more enticing than being a Braves season ticket holder.

I love station wagon meth labs...

Four years after spending over $300,000 on plastic surgery to look young, Demi Moore says she still can’t get big movie roles and she is ready to blow the whistle on ageism in Hollywood.

“There aren’t that many good roles for women over 40. A lot of them don’t have much substance, other than being someone’s mother or wife.”

Well Demi...despite your 14 year old boyfriend, you can always play a struggling meth addict on the verge of suicide. Babe, here's a secret. When you're pining for a role of "substance" whatever that is, don't get loaded on nitrous and pull out your meth tooth and post it on twitter. Besides, substance is what burst out of your white dress shirt in Striptease. Stop being so melodramatic. You're over 40. If you don't wanna play a mom, you shouldn't date your son. I swear, Hollywood is getting ridiculuous.

I hope Izzy Stevens dies a horrible, miserable, painful death.

Katherine Heigl has hit another stumbling block on her way to movie stardom. Sources say the actress, whose just-concluded season on ABC's "Grey's Anatomy" might have been her last, was dropped from a top-tier ensemble cast in the upcoming romantic comedy "Valentine's Day" because she demanded an astronomical salary.

The flick, which is scheduled to be released in February 2011, is directed by Garry Marshall and has signed such big names as Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Shirley MacLaine and Bradley Cooper.

An insider told Page Six, "Producers at New Line originally had Katherine on their casting list. They wanted her for the project, but during the talks, she came back demanding $3 million for the role."

Our source calls that number "ridiculous" because the movie has "an ensemble cast where there is really no one lead role. Actors are only filming between three and 14 days, and no other actors asked for nearly that amount."

Wait...what? Kathrine Whogal asked for three million dollars when Shirley Mclain, Julia Roberts, and Anne Hathaway are members of the cast? Psst...Katherine...they're at least Oscar nominees if not winners. The only thing you've accomplished in your short tenure of Hollywood stardom is being a royal pain-in-the-ass. Everyone hates you. No seriously. They do. It's documented everywhere. You suck. You're so easy to hate. When you're Tom Cruise, you can be a prick, but when all you've done is My Father the Hero, Under Seige 2 (I've said this before) and a dying cast member of an ensemble cast on a beautifully written, estrogen exploiting show, you don't have many bargaining chips at your table. When the season finale of Grey's was on, I was begging the TV to please kill Izzy. If that miserable character...aka person is back next season, I'll funnel three gallons of Drano and kick myself in the nuts. In fact, I'd rather watch Heidi Montag perform Hamlet's soliloquy than be forced to watch Izzy Stevens draw one more breath. Please Shonda Rhimes...kill her.

Adriana Lima is full of lies lies lies

Reports today reveal that Adriana Lima is pregnant.

In a related story, today I was quoted in the press saying, "She told me she was on the pill."

I surely hope Danielle Lloyd's blood type isn't AB Rh negative

Danielle Lloyd, whom Wikipedia describes as a British personality and glamour model, which is internet code for hot girl with no talent, was involved in a bar fight over the weekend. Another way to describe the altercation would be Danielle Lloyd was attacked by Freddy Krueger, or Danielle Lloyd was caught having rough sex with Edward Scissorhands in the club bathroom, or Danielle Lloyd was a victim of slow slicing, or Danielle Lloyd fought the Alien and the Predator at a local England nightclub. I've grown up around redneck and gangsta girls in the south my whole life, yet I've never seen bitches go off like this before. According to reports, Lloyd was bumped into on the dance floor and words were exchanged between her and two other girls. Then the altercation escalated to punches and finally to at least one of the girls body slamming Lloyd through a glass table. Despite that being an awesome move worthy of a badass wrastlin nickname, this couldn't have been a pleasant sight for the partygoers. Based on the amount of blood and the lack of consciousness on these girls outside the club, there had to be a massive amount of circus knife throwers, ninja stars, and razor blade loaded grenades involved.

Couldn't care less...

I don't like people. This means everyone that sucks. Some people, however, I truly despise without really even knowing. It's what I do know about them that make it impossible to learn more to despise. Beyonce reigns at the apex of this list, but Kate, from Jon and Kate Plus Eight, whoever the hell that is, is closing the gap fast. I've never seen the show, I hardly could pick her picture out of a lineup, but all I hear about is how insatiable this woman has become since her notoriety has become viral in the media and tabloids. Even her family has spoken to the media instructing the public not to watch the show because they feel Jon and Kate are exploiting the children. When your family hates you, you suck; therefore, you're on my list. You can take one look at this broad's before and after and tell she's insufferable. Her hair that she thinks so highly of, to me looks like a mammalian skinned yarmulke. I'm not even sure how you get hair to do that unless it's breathing and capable of mating. She better enjoy her brush with so-called fame and spend some time working on her marriage because the only way someone else would be willing to have sex with her would be to tie a California Redwood tree to their back before performing the ole in/out.

I've made some insanely poor career choices...

No offense to any athletic trainers, but I've always struggled with the relevance of athletic trainers and failed to understand why you have to go to college to become one. I know you learn things like the Lachman's test among various other physical therapy type tests that can be performed, but can't be used to diagnose because you lack about 12 years in proper medical training. Usually the trainers spend the majority of their time becoming ankle taping and hamstring stretching ninjas, but are frequently abused by prima donna college athletes and coaches. Well all this was true until I saw this picture of the luckiest son-of-a-bitching trainer to ever live. It's one thing when you work taping the ankles or stretching the hammies for the University of Tulsa's women's softball team, which is full of sea donkeys, but it's an entirely different different ball game when you're the athletic trainer for the USC Song Girls. You couldn't have a better job if you were the Swedish Bikini Team's Spary Tan Applicator. Picture the scenario, you and your best friend from college, both athletic trainers, one of you working at University of North Dakota, the other USC.

Winner: Hey man what's up? What did you do today?

Loser: Taped some ankles for the Great West softball tournament. It's awesome. These girls are massive. They hit bombs! How bout you?

Winner: I wrapped the Song Girls' hamstrings today, then massaged their shin splints and lower back spasms after their whirlpool sessions.

Loser: [Long Pause] I've gotta go, Matilda and Bertha need their testosterone injections.

Lively is an understatement...

I have no flippin clue what the hell Gossip Girls is supposed to accomplish. Is it a reality show? Is it a hybrid? Is it a drama? All I know is that if Blake Lively appears in the show looking like this, it's my new favorite show. This outfit just made my cornea explode. This may be the most underrated hot young actress in Hollywood. I know I'm gonna piss off a lot of people, but in my opinion, this chick is way hotter than Megan Fox. I just don't get it. Look at this girl. Unpretentious, All-American, humble sexiness, and style. I've never seen her act, but there's no way in Marlon Brando's soul that she is a worse actress than Megan Fox. I'm calling it right now. Blake Lively will be the next girl we're all talking about.

Brave hearts do not back down.

"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14 NIV

Please join us in our prayers for the men and women of the Armed Forces Of The United States Of America and other countries who are now in harm's way in Afghanistan, Iraq, and other parts of the world. We thank them and their families for their sacrifices.

We are grateful for the ultimate price of freedom paid by those fallen. We pray for strength and courage for the POWS and Missing In Action and those held hostage.

We pray for the protection and safety of selfless relief workers and missionaries who help those in need.

We pray for the protection of children and innocent civilians.

We pray for our nation and our leaders.

- The Howards, Over 22 Years Serving In The US Navy

Holy Hashish Batman

CASABLANCA, Morocco — Moroccan police have seized 23 tons of hashish hidden in machinery that was to be shipped to France.

Morocco's official MAP news agency said the drugs, hidden in industrial-sized grinders, were seized Friday on the premises of a transport company in Casablanca.

Saturday's report said it took police officials more than 24 hours to inventory the drug. It was hidden in nearly 130 fake grinders, each containing about 419 pounds of hashish.

The report said an investigation has been opened to find those behind the massive shipment.

Morocco's Interior Ministry is quoted as saying that last year Moroccan officials seized more than 110,000 tons of hashish.

First of all, I'm completely against the war on drugs. Almost all the violence around drugs stems from them being illegal. American taxpayers spend billions of dollars per year for non violent drug offenders to sit in jail. It's a waste. Legalize it, tax the hell out of it, and in turn, bail our future generations out of the massive debt we've inherited due to our Government's fiscal irresponsibility and ineptitude. In instances like this, I applaud the sheer innovation and creativity of these smugglers. Hiding pot in industrial grinders is quite an effort. It's not offering my drug tainted brownies to customs agents like I usually do, but I'll give them a "THC" for effort. 32 tons of pot is worth about 40 million dollars on the street. My guess is that the person responsible for getting busted will be another statistic in the losing war against drugs.

WTF is this?

I'm going to preface this post by saying I'm already disgusted and ashamed of myself for writing about Kim Karwhatever earlier this week. To go against my better judgement and the promises I made to myself when I started this thing, I'm going to now write about the walking Herpes Zoster herself. Someone that makes a career out of being notorious and infected on home video makes me sick. As if her life wasn't going to be easy enough, people pay her as much as $100,000 just for making an appearance. Why? She's famous for being famous. I couldn't name one thing of substance she's done besides the critically acclaimed low budget films, House of Wax and One Night in Paris.

Despite all of the aforementioned rigmarole, Paris is in Cannes doing what she does best...spreading a mélange of sexually trasmitted diseases. I'm not sure what her intentions are in the picture above, but if I were the recipient of that, I would be scared she's trying to eat my soul. Couple her cannibalism with her sinewy, freakishly Marfan Syndrome hands and feet and you've got one creepy night of insanely poor decisions. Honestly, all freakish things considered, Paris is either the absolute worst lover of all time, or she's an alien sent here to suck the central nervous system out of every man on Earth.

This is a sex symbol?

Would someone please tell me how this former meth addict is famous. She's not pretty. She sings like a dying wildebeest. Her skin looks like Georgia clay thats ready to crack in the hot summer sun. I heard her sing on American Idol and the only person that sings worse than her is Megan Joy. Except Megan Joy is hot. Sadly, I thought Bikini Girl had a more stellar performance...seriously. I bet sometimes Josh Duhmel wakes up facing Fergie in the middle of the night and for just one brief second, wonders how and why he's sleeping in the same bed with a werewolf.

Humans look like this when created in a lab

More often than not, seemingly perfect gorgeous women fall in love with less than desireable men i.e. Klum/Seal, Marisa Miller/this, Locklear/Tommy Lee, Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee, Julia Roberts/Lyle Lovett, to name a few. Although when the stars align and the two most genetically gifted people on earth find one another, you're given a Hollywood couple that is so hot and envied that Jennifer Aniston spends her lonely nights cutting herself, drawing black circles on paparazzi photos of Angelina's teeth with MacPaint and purging. If I were in Cannes trying to take photos of the slit in Angelina's dress, I would probably explode into a testosterone fueled fireball. If you're a heterosexual male and you don't like Angelina, you're not a heterosexual male. If you're a female and you don't like Angelina because, well let's see, "she's slutty, weird, gross, she stole Brad from Jen, incestual, blah blah blah," you're jealous because either your boyfriend is gay or your boyfriend is in love with Angelina Jolie and you're nowhere in the vacinity of being as hot and timeless as she is. If you don't find Angelina Jolie attractive, please don't renew your subscription to exposedandnaked because you suck and I hate you.

Olivia Wilde makes me smile.

I have to say that I've been talking about Olivia Wilde for months...long before that pitiful excuse for a Men's magazine named her to their "Top 100". Apparently, more people read this blog than I thought because her popularity and sheer sexiness has taken the world by storm. Not just me, but Megan Fox also thinks pretty highly of Olivia:

“I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing.”

Well, Megan, me too. I'm not sure what mountain oxen are or do, but I would try to strangle a drove of them if it meant 26 seconds with Olivia Wilde. Seriously, I would sprint the anchor leg of the 4X400 relay on fire while running on top of dirty needles and rattlesnakes for a chance to serve Olivia Wilde a burrito.

Wait...what did I just say?

I looked at this picture and much to my dismay, I'm attracted to the unknown person in this picture. I read that it was Kim Kardashian, but I can't allow myself to believe that, nor be attracted to her. I spent five minutes violently punching myself in the face for liking what I saw. It's just an overwhelming sense of guilt. It's just that something seems different about her. Maybe she's lost weight. Maybe it's not her. Maybe her publicist slipped my a Benji for writing this article. Who knows. Despite wishing awful things on this chick's soul on multiple occassions, I just can't seem to turn away. I'm just so disturbed and confused right now, I can hardly breathe.

Most annoying out-of-her-league reporter of all time...

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

This is the most painful interview I've ever seen, but since I'm a loser, I watched the whole thing. Brad Pitt looked as if he was ready to dive off that balcony about 45 seconds into the interview. Unfortunately for him, the pain was just beginning. I understand a little why stars bitch all the time about how stressed they are because if I had to endure this insufferable "journalist" for three minutes I would shove a red hot poker in my eyeball. If you want to feel complete and total rage for the first time your life, fast-foward to the 5:16 mark where you'll see this idiot stalk Brad Pitt's eyes like snake charmer then grab at his face. WTF? Who's grabs someone's face? This lady couldn't interview Kermit the Frog professionally. I'm not joking when I say that Ann Curry isn't qualified to deliver the news on Nickelodean. I'm like Brad Pitt if he weren't so fat, but the only way I could've survived this interview would've been a promise that I could inject the swine flu into Ann Curry.

He's not black mom...he's just darker skinned than the other.

A Texas mother of twins got the shock of her life when doctors revealed that her 11-month-old boys do not have the same father.

Mia Washington decided to get some expert advice when she and her partner noticed that twins Justin and Jordan had different facial features.

Paternity tests then revealed what had happened — two eggs had been fertilized by two different sperm and there was a 99.99% chance the twins had different dads.

Doctors at the DNA lab in Dallas, Texas had never seen such a result.

Washington later admitted she had had an affair and got pregnant by two different men at the same time.

"Out of all people in America and of all people in the world, it had to happen to me, she told myfoxdfw.com. “I'm very shocked."

Shocked? I seriously doubt that. Cuckoldry should be synonomous with Mia Washington. This time though, it just so happens that in the confines on her vaginal canal, there was Sperm War going on between the two potential fathers as she had bedded both within days if not hours of one another. This is one of those stories that get really complex on graduation, birthdays, etc. I'm guessing, based on the choices made by Mia Washington, that the fathers of these twins (wow, that's even weird pluralizing fathers of twins), won't be involved in these poor kid's lives. Based solely on the social and sexual alacrity of this particular female, I'm going to go out on a limb and speculate that my tax dollars will be funding these two heteropaternal superfecundations for long long time.

Republicans have jumped the shark...

There's a big misconception regarding the last election. Most uninformed bigoted idiots consider race as the attributing factor to Barack Obama getting elected President. They couldn't be more wrong. This election as a whole, had less to do with race and race relations, and more to do with class warfare and wealth envy. America is at war. It is a war between people that refuse to create opportunity for themselves, and the people that refuse to accept failure and mediocrity. Party politics have created a climate in this country where one side of the isle is at a constant struggle to buy voters while the other side is dedicated to appeasing its most extreme idealogues. The result, a stalemate, if we're lucky. Our elected officials are polarizing this country so fast with their respective agendas, most young, free-thinking Americans aren't having their voices heard. The rising problem, despite what FOXNEWS reports, is the younger educated generation holds less and less emphasis on social policy, most notably, abortion and gay marriage. Sadly or not, the world, from that perspective at least, isn't what it used to be. The educated "cell phone generation" finds their conservatism in fiscal policy, yet ironically, that's the area where both parties, especially Republicans, have abandoned us. We're simply no longer represented. Young, uninformed people, both black and white, lined up in droves to cast their vote for Barack Obama. Why? Because they're depserate. Desperate for being represented. Sure, there were liberal morons that voted OBAMA because they heard Democrats are for a clean environment or because they were told by the media to hate Bush, but for the most part, young white America elected Obama because they're tired of being misrepresented in Washington. It wouldn't have mattered Obama's ideologies. He was young. He was articulate. He was poignant. Through the the smoking mirrors, he was like them. He wasn't rigid. He wasn't out-of-touch. He wasn't what they had seen for 8 years. He wasn't old as shit. John McCain is a hero. He is a true Patriot; but, John McCain was thrown to the wolves by a dated, failing, misguided party. If an educated young America doesn't demand reform in a party once rooted in fiscal responsibility and equality for all hard working Americans, we might as well hand over our Government now because the demise is inevitable.

It's decided...America is filled with imbiciles.

Americans are evenly divided over the idea of making free health care available to every one in the country, but opposition grows dramatically when their own health insurance is involved.

Forty-two percent (42%) of Americans say every one in the United States should have free health care. The latest Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey finds that 44% disagree.

Free Health Care? Really? Free? Should the follow up question be, "Who "PAYS" for the free health care?" This is where my blood begins to boil because people are stupid and I'm not. Free health care is utopia and if you want to ask Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels how their Utopian Socialism played out, you'd have to ressurect a broken down and decimated eastern Europe and Soviet Union. Government healthcare doesn't work anywhere in the world, despite what fat-ass Michael Moore's propoganda movies tell you. Socialized healthcare is inefficient, expensive, excluding, and poorly practiced. Healthcare is not a right. No one in need of healthcare can ever be denied, but healthcare in itself is not a right. Until people are forced to realize this, we're treading water in a raging sea.

Creativity as its very best.

I wish that I had been brave enough to use this technique in college because let's face it, I had copious opportunities to explore my creativity at the expense of my uninspired, impotent and feeble excuse for a GPA.

For Kelly's sake, I hope I'm in her favorites...

Over the weekend, Kelly Brook was photographed sending me a pix message. I have begged her to stop this nonsense since she has no shot at winning my love, but getting beautiful supermodels to stop calling and writing me is like trying to tame a pride of rabid lions.

Bet you can't guess the one who's never been laid...

I first saw this picture 3 hours 41 minutes 13 seconds ago, yet this is the first moment that I've been able to peel my eyes away to complete another task. The look on this loser's face is enough to make me want to use an acid filled squirt bottle in his face. For the love of God, when Adriana Lima, the Brazilian Goddess, grabs your junk, you can't have a look on your face that screams total fear, self-doubt, and inadequacy. Man up, girl. God completely wasted a Y chromosome on your inept, pathetic existence. For Pete's sake, I've seen more masculinity at My Little Pony and Rainbow Bright Conventions. I hope this guy is gay because when his friends see this picture, they're all going to take turns kicking the sh!t out of him.

Dixie Chicks with Dix.

First of all, I'm a huge supporter of free speech. That being said, I think you should be prepared to accept the consequences if what you said offends people. Nothing Natalie Maines said that night in London truly offended me. There are always going to be people that oppose their leaders. What I found foolish was her inability to understand who pays her bills. Right wing blue collar America. Sure, they're rich beyond most people's wildest dreams, so what she said hasn't really put a hardship on them financially. Also, publicly the other members of the band have given her steadfast support, but I bet in secret, they've been like, "That dumb ass should've kept her mouth shut." You can listen to country stations and you'll never hear their music...ever. At one time, they were played every 37 seconds. Their record sales have nearly stopped. They have to cancel multiple shows on every tour since that incident in London. I have to give it to her, though foolish, she's stuck by her statements despite its negative ramifications. All it would've taken for Maines, would've been for her to say, "Although I don't regret what I said about our President, I don't think that my fans pay to hear my political viewpoints." That would've sufficed and she would've gone on to sell out arenas and accumulate platinum records and foot tattoos. Instead, she got even more arrogant, even more liberal, even more abrasive, and her fan base was like, "Ok, Maines, if you insist. You'll regret this one." Regardless, she's made her bed. On another note regading dedication to priciples, it appears she's stuck by her didication to become a dude. When the Dixie Chicks first came out, I was secretly intrigued by this girl. Now, the thought of sleeping with Natalie Maines is as intriguing as photographing Rosie O'Donnell and a liger in a Playboy spread. It might be a few days until I post again because I don't know if I can stomach looking at this picture upon logging in to my account. It makes me wanna die by immolation.

Flied Lice anyone?

I'm trying to place this song. It really sounds familiar, but for the life of me these lyrics are just escaping me.

cwazy, but da be ih gah
millions of pahpl wivv az poh
cwazy ih nah to lah
tuh fuhg how tuh luh and fuhget huh tuh hate
akdsa sdkdjs sfkjsf skfjs skfjskfj fskfjskfj
Im going off the rails on a cwazy twain

I'm still scratching my head with confusion

This has created an amazingly complex conundrum for me because on one hand if you date this girl, you date a cool ass chick that can beat box. On the other hand, you date a girl that can beat box. Not even the Fat Boys nor Justin Timberlake looks cool beat boxing. So when a girl's aspirations are winning the beat box world championships, and she's kinda cute, there's a big problem. This is the kind of girl you meet one night and you think she's good looking, you think she's super cool, and you drunkenly prompt her to beat box in front of strangers on several occassions throughout the night. Later on you make several more poor decisions including the tequila. You end up hooking up, waking up, and realize that you're on the road to becoming the boyfriend of a human beat box...and that just seems weird.

Did that just happen?

I played baseball my whole life and this is the worst player in the history of the sport. He threw like 5 wild pitches on intentional walks. Is that even possible? All you really need to do is roll it to the catcher. You could get this guy 14 sports psychiatrists and he would still need a paxil-wellbutrin smoothie just to get through simple daily tasks like brushing his teeth or putting on his socks and shoes without injury.

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT

I don't know much about anything in the grand scheme of things; however, one thing I do know is sports. That being said though, I can't think of a single sport, hobby or past time more useless and unnecessary than hockey. I know I grew up in the south. I get that you northerners have nothing else to do, but get liquored up and skate around while you chase a small black puck on a frozen lake while you freeze your nuts off. Meanwhile, we're down here with girls in bikinis playing beach volleyball. To me, and most people outside of Minnesota, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont and New York, hockey is just an instrument to break arms and die falling through holes in semi-frozen lakes. Seriously, I couldn't tell you who's playing in the Stanley Cup. Is it over? Did it start? Does Gretzky still play? Did Lemieux survive lymphoma? Does that blue line really follow the puck or is that to make people who hate hockey and don't understand the game follow it easier. I mean how does this sport survive? If baseball is struggling due to falling attendance, I have to think this sport is on the brink of complete and total collapse. Good news for the NHL though. Elaine Lee is stoked out of her mind about the Canucks (Which I thought was a racial slur, but instead is actually the name of a team). I don't know which is worse, that Elaine is representative of the Canucks franchise, or if she is representative of Canada. Either way, and I'm trying my best to be nice, I have to deduce from this video that this is the fundamental reason I don't watch hockey. Despite Elaine's uncanny resemblance to the villian in Jennifer Aniston's first movie, I couldn't seen myself sharing a passion of the Canucks with her. Call me shallow. Call me superficial, but I simply have to draw the line somewhere. In fact, I would rather be forced to hike shoeless through the desert to watch the Saudi Arabian squash championships than watch one period of hockey on television.

Elaine, for the record, I am inspired by your passion. Go...Canucks?

Enough is enough...stop with the humility

Here's Megan Fox at a Lakers game several years back. She's really not that hot people. Seriously...look again.

It seems like everytime I read something Megan Fox has said, it's something along the lines of, "Oh God, I hate being this hot and desirable, or "God I wish I weren't this pretty because then people would take me serious." To be honest, I'm getting sick of it. Being the "IT" girl is a funny thing. Many times, you're not quite sure why someone is popular, but they are. I think it's that way with this girl. She has no acting skill. She's got a great body, but she's hardly the hottest girl on the planet. She kind of favors that girl you see in the trendy area of a metropolitan city leaving a tattoo parlor or an incense store. You think she's hot and really sexy, but then you remember you're in an incense store and no one showers with soap or ambition in incense stores. I don't know what it is, I've just grown tired of the act she puts on as if she's not trying harder than anyone on the planet to be sexy. Here's a few examples of her being completely shocked at how awesome she is and how hot the person is that is staring back at her in the mirror:

"It pisses me when people fucking complain that I'm too beautiful to get a part. That's bullshit. You wouldn't be working if you weren't attractive. Hollywood is the most superficial thing you could possibly be a part of. And if I weren't attractive I wouldn't be working at all.”

“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve every learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault. I’m just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It’s just there. It’s something I don’t have to turn on.”

"I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I'd rather have sex with Brian all the time than leave the house. He doesn't mind."

"I could see myself in a relationship with a girl; Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She's mesmerizing. And lately I've been obsessed with Jenna Jameson."

"I really enjoy having sex. I’m young and have a lot of hormones. I’m always in the mood."

This chick is playing the Jedi mind trick on every guy in the world. If you keep talking about how much you like sex, how you're bisexual, how you desire other women we desire, how sexuality just oozes from you, we can't help but think you're perfect. You see it's so far from the reality most guys live in, that this chick is almost like something that you would watch in an adult entertainment video you rent for 11.99 at the Hampton Inn...not that I've done that or know that's exactly how much they cost when other "real" movies are 4.99, or know that they don't print the movie title on your receipt so you can turn it in on your expense report without losing your job. Newflash though Megan, you've basically done one movie and you sucked in that one unless you were sweaty or sticking your ass out prentending to be an auto mechanic. Walking around telling everyone how pretty you are seems to have worked thus far, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. Your career ending countdown is on. I'm on to you.

You gotta give the girl some credit...

There's many things I like about Carrie Prejean. First and foremost, she's got a smoking body. Second, she's willing to go topless to promote her career. That makes her exponentionally more awesome in my book. Granted, my book is filled with four letter words and Adult Entertainment Starlets so it makes sense that she would score some points for me in that regard. There's something about a gorgeous young woman dedicated to her career and willing to make poor decisions to promote it that makes my heart sing. Anyway, you gotta give the girl some credit. She never waivered. I question her mental ability to actually change her mind, but nonetheless, she stuck to her guns(he he he...pun). Today in the much anticipated press conference,(Ok, I'm a loser) Donald Trump was asked to comment on Prejean's statement during the pageant. In a witty retort only expected by the master of self marketing himself, Trump shuts up the liberal media with one statement:

“It's the same answer that the president of the United States gave,” Trump said. “She gave an honorable answer. She gave an answer from her heart.”


Then, just moments later, Prejean did her best parrot impression and regurgitated everything Trump had just said and smiled at the camera for seven seconds until she heard someone's ring tone of Lady GaGa's Poker Face, to which Prejean stood up and started slithing around removing her clothes...ok I made the last part up.

In her own remarks moments later, Prejean echoed Trump’s statement, telling reporters: “The president of the United States, the secretary of state, and many Americans agree with me in this belief.”

Olivia Wilde...she got my vote.

To say that *GASP* magazines, which btw are so 20th century, like Maxim and Playboy are pointless and irrelevant, would be like saying Lindsay Lohan is a string bean coke head. In like 20 years, people will pick up words printed on paper and they will repsond like those two kids playing OUTLAW did on Back to the Future II. "Aww...you gotta use your hands." Anyway, Maxim is the dumbest idea ever invented. Imagine the guy that invented Maxim sitting around thiking of the next genius idea. He's thinking, he's thinking, and BAM!!! Playboy, but with more clothes!!!! BRILLIANT!!!! Well, albeit the magazines days are numbered, they finally got their MAXIM TOP 100 right this year...well almost right. Here's the top 10.

1. Olivia Wilde
2. Megan Fox
3. Bar Refaeli **
4. Malin Akerman
5. Mila Kunis
6. Eliza Dusku *
7. Adriana Lima
8. Rihanna
9. Jordana Brewster *
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt **********

* Denotes WTF
** Denotes Trey's WTF
********** Denotes Jennifer Love Hewitt

This makes me want to drown Pacey in Dawson's Creek...no seriously.

Mostly because I'm awesome, but partly because I'm creepy, I knew who Diane Kruger was and how she fit into my hierarchy of Hollywood celebrity obsessions, but damn if these pictures haven't completely baffled me. She just appeared out of nowhere like the finale of a David Copperfield show. Three things:
1. Holy Crap!
2. I'm 93.2% sure these are the best legs I've ever seen
3. I want to kicks Pacey's ass. First he loses his virginity to his teacher, then he robs the Kruger.

Hey Beyonce, I've got one for you.

Lights? Somebody's getting fired?

Really?

Me: Hey Fatass...I mean Beyonce.
Beyonce: Yes (Dancing like the direct TV commercial)
Me: Knock Knock
Beyonce: Who's There (Still dancing in sequin dress)
Me: F You.

Excuse me, but I thought Sam Kinnison was dead.

I could start this post off by saying, What in holy hell has Kelly Clarkson been eating?" However, clearly the answer would be everything. So, I'll just leave you this pic from either Sam Kinnison's reunion tour or Louis Anderson's recent Vegas show...I'm not sure which.

Beyonce robs my soul...

Announcing my hatred for that thunder thighed water buffalo known as Crisco Knowles would be futile at this point. Moreover, if you haven't come around to my way of thinking, not only are you dead to me, but you're dumber than your third grade teacher told your parents you were. The latest comment to come from this out-of-touch, ungrateful mocha skinned walrus only further ignites the fury flame for this no talent weaved-up Medusa.

She told Britain's Glamour magazine:

"I probably get about 15 bags sent to me a month. Armani gave me this croc bag, which was huge - I could only imagine how much that thing cost. It would be so expensive that even I wouldn't buy it."

Even you...The Beyonce, The Diva, Sasha Fierce, couldn't afford it? (Hands on cheeks) Oh my stars!! If you wouldn't buy it, then I have to deduce no one in the world would buy it. I can honestly say I wouldn't swerve to miss this broad if she were crossing the street...that is unless I had a loved one in the car with me because hitting her big ass would be like hitting a terrestrial manatee mixed with a brontosaurus...because when you hit dinosaurs mixed with terrestrial manatees, you usually die.

How is this 5th grade educated idiot famous...?

First and foremost, I couldn't care less about Rush or Hannity because personally, I don't allign myself with them politically. However, if i had to choose between Wanda Sykes and either of them, I would choose the right wing, holier-than-thou guys any day. My problem with this video is that if the roles were reversed, there would be public outcry. If this had been W laughing about...oh that's right...the democrats don't have someone successful enough to reference. Anyway, I just find the hypocrisy appalling. If you can't see the hypocrisy, you're a bleeding heart liberal and you can't see the forest for the trees and will never vote for someone that doesn't spend his time going around to countries that hate us and apologize to them; because at the end of the day, apologizing helps tremendously...especially with terrorists.

Tim Teblow strikes again...

The white trash of Florida never ceases to amaze me. I cannot think of two colors more hideously paired than blue and orange. I sympathize with them in the sense that there's no real way to dress up and look like you have class when you wear blue and orange. Then again though, even if their colors were different, the guys would still rock jorts and jerseys and the girls, skank skirts and tank tops with bikini tan lines. Pssst...those lines make you look cheap not pretty. Anyway, Tim Tebow took time off from curing world hunger, circumcizing his god children, healing the blind, turning water to wine, teaching them to fish instead of catching all the earth's fish, and from struggling to find a way into the NFL, to devinely inspire someone to come up with TEEBOWS. If you know Floridians and or the Gator Nation, this shouldn't at all surprise you. Conversely, if you don't, trust me when I say that it's in your best interest to stay as far away from Ben Hill Griffin Stadium as you can, if you have any self respect and or fashion sense. God bless Athens and our women.

I'm Back...

Im gonna take this opportunity to apologize for not having many posts during the last week. I have been detained in South Florida for sales training if you can believe that. It almost seems presumptuous to think someone actually missed my witty commentary, but then again, it's no more narcissitic than Twittering ten times a day as if someone cares about your pitiful life. Anyway, to my new friends, thanks for the liver damage and the good laughs. You guys are the best. To G, thanks for the rides. You're a bad ass van driver. To Brittany, no one in their first trimester can pour beer quite like you. To Blue at Muggs and Juggs, You're my boy blue. To the hooker at the Residence Inn, here's to hoping you hit the lottery...you're gonna need all the help you can get girl. Thanks to Tim, I'm going to make some amendments and include the most amazing Shell Gas Station employee of all time. If there was a Hall of Fame for hourly wage earners, this "person" would be a first ballot inductee. To Heath, Heether, Heather, Pat, ambiguously gendered, bearded lady, Chuck Norris(Beard), this Bud's for you gal...I mean bud...I mean...this beer's for you dude. You've enlightened me as to how effed up people can really get when you make a career of poor life decisions. Thanks again guys for everything...and Tim...thanks for the reminder of something I should be killed for forgetting. I've never been more disappointed in myself.

F%@$ da Police...

MCMINNVILLE, Ore. (AP) — Police said a man was stopped and cited with driving under the influence of intoxicants charges twice in one day. In both instances, police say, the 52-year-old man was driving the same pickup and stopped near the same state liquor store.

Police said they first stopped the man at 11:05 a.m. Friday after he ran a red light. He was released into the custody of his grandmother and his vehicle was impounded.

A while later, authorities released the pickup to another party on condition the man not drive it. But he did. A tow company employee saw Reeves take the wheel and called police.

Police spotted the pickup and followed it back to the state liquor store, where he was cited again.

The second time around, the man was booked in jail on $6,250 bail.

This is the most blatant disregard for authority and responsibility since Clarence Thomas left pubes on Anita Hill's Coca-Cola can. It's one thing when you're pathetic 50 something year old man, but you take pathetic to a whole new level when you you're forced to call your grandmother for bail after getting not one, but two DUI's in the same day. I have been racking my brain, just trying to think of another instance where someone could've failed worse at life, but after realizing he's surpassed Lohan and Spears on the worst life choices scale, I simply threw my hands up and said uncle.

medium well please...

A 10-year-old girl suffered burns on 70 percent of her body after a 16-minute session at an unmanned tanning salon.

A few hours after she left the tanning salon in Port Talbot, South Wales, England, Kelly Thompson was taken to the hospital.

Doctors at the Welsh Center for Burns and Plastic Surgery said if Kelly had stayed in the tanning bed for another two minutes, she would have needed skin grafts. She must stay out of direct sunlight for the next 10 years, doctors told her.

Kelly’s mother, Sharon Hannaford, said Kelly went tanning out of curiosity. She is now making a public plea that all unmanned salons are shutdown.

When in the hell are these things going to be against the law? If you're a parent and you let your ten year old girl go to the tanning salon, you're a complete and total useless human being. In fact, you'd be better off just dropping 50 pound weight on her head or kicking her repeatedly in the abdomen. Why don't you make her a special card that says, "Im your parent, you're my child...I hate you." The salon should be fined or shut down. I know I'm as pale as the ghost of Christmas past, but I just don't see the point of this tanning salon stuff. Show me a tanning salon employee and or frequent tanning salon customer that's not in the adult entertainment industry and I'll show you someone facing a severe uphill battle on the left side of intelligence quotient bell curve.