Thursday, December 23, 2010

Florida...where class is forgotten.


Police say 29-year-old Jessi Clark, pictured left, was in the passenger seat of a car when officers pulled it over Wednesday night.

According to police reports, Clark “pulled out a piece of paper towel from her crotch” that contained three Oxycodone pills and three Xanax tablets.

She then pointed her finger at the driver and said he told her to shove the drugs down there before police came. He responded by saying to the cops, he “has no idea what was down her pants.”

Clark is charged with two counts of felony drug possession.

Wow, a Florida girl is arrested for possession of narcotics? I, for one, know this girl is innocent. In fact, if I weren't reading this story with my own two eyes I wouldn't believe it. Now if instead of oxy and xanax the girl pulled out of her crotch, it was 26 penises, then this story about Florida would be a little more believable. Those damn cops are always out to ruin the reputation of good people.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Minka Kelly keeps trying.


Last night Minka Kelly was walking the red carpet for something and looking ridiculously hot doing it. As she made her way down the red carpet, someone screamed her name. As she turned around, they were holding up a picture of me. This photo was taken at that precise moment. It's a curse to have such a savage and animalistic effect on women. There are times when I'm moisturizing and flexing in the mirror and I pray that my gift of love would be stripped by God. I'm so tired of supermodels, actresses and Minka Kelly. These thirsty gestures of sexual desire and sin have become my scarlett letter Aa and I'm exhausted.

Porn Stache...check.



The world of sports and porn have seen their share of awesome staches, but none can rival this gem. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is the best mustache ever groomed by man.

From ESPN:
Meet Evan Fjeld, owner of the thickest mustache this side of Tom Selleck. The Dagger's Matt Norlander caught Fjeld's stache in Vermont's loss to UConn Wednesday night, and while Fjeld's 26 points may not have earned the Catamounts the upset, his mustache no doubt left a more lasting impact on everyone at the XL Center in Hartford, Conn. Couple it with Fjeld's hair style of choice -- an unkempt bowl-looking thing more suited to a 1970s music video -- and, well, you have to your cap. Evan Fjeld's got swag, kids. We are not worthy.

Fortunately enough, the mustache comes just in time for Movember, a month dedicated to the growth of facial hair to raise awareness for the No. 1 type of cancer afflicting men: prostate cancer. Just think: If we could all grow mustaches this thick, prostate cancer wouldn't stand a chance.

Huge Kudos to the Catamounts and their ridiculous mustache.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Will Ferrell = Comedic Genius

David Bowie (Will Ferrell) visits Bing Crosby (John C. Reilly) during the holidays to sing a duet of two Christmas classics, Peace on Earth & The Little Drummer Boy.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.



Today, reps of Ryan Reynolds and Scar-Jo annouced that the couple has been separated, living separately, and are divorcing.

“After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage,” they say in a joint statement. “We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Scarlett Johansson rests atop the sexual desire hierarchy for many men around the world. I'm not sure why. She's like a blonde hobbit with huge cans. Sure, she looks phenom in a few pictures scattered about the internet, but with today's digital assistance, who can't be hot. They even make Madonna look alive. Ryan Reynolds was just voted People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive and Scarlett Johansson is a barrel chested granola with a terrible tattoo. I don't dislike her, in fact, she was terrific in Match Point, but Ryan Reynolds is playing The Green Lantern in the new Marvel Comics installment, is a Hollywood leading man, and if God hadn't already made it unfair enough, gave him 4% body fat. The reason The Green Lantern is relavent to the story is because Blake Lively is also playing the female lead in the movie. The picture below was taken at a press junket for the movie and unless you're blind, you can plainly see why Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting divorced. I'd crawl through a drain pipe of broken glass and cyanide gas to sit next to this rocket for 2 and a half minutes. If you're still confused why Ryan Reynolds is ending his marriage, turn it to Glee because you're gay.



Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Hollywood Sucks: Reason # 4,554

Yes, I know this video is like three years old, but of course, I have been thinking about how bad Hollywood sucks. The language is very NSWF. It's laced with the foul words only a first class asshole could use when someone ruins his wittle movie scene.



Christian Bale, aka Batman, has been earning a living as a Hollywood actor since his role in Empire of the Sun when he was 13 years old. So, since 1987 he's been living in a fantasy world of luxury for which most people would trade their left arm. It's amazing how someone can be so fortunate in life and yet be so incredibly insufferable and out-of-touch with reality. It's a shame really, to have all that money, to have the ability and means to make a difference in someone's life and all you can muster is angry, childish tirades. On the contrary, you never hear bad things about Johnny Depp. All you hear about him are stories of him leaving 5,000 dollar tips, showing up to a little girl's 3rd grade class dressed at captain Jack Sparrow to help her stage a mutiny against her teachers, and him visiting hospitals as Jack Sparrow to help make a sick kid's day magical. Depp does things like that while Bale acts like a 5 year old because someone making peanuts compared to him walked through his scene as he tried to do his job and fix the lighting. Today, I was listening to Howard Stern and he pointed out something very telling. Christian Bale is British. How much of a self absorbed arrogant asshole must you be that you're so "angry" at a grip on set, you can't break "character" to curse them out in your natural voice and accent. It wasn't even a good American accent. Can you fathom that kind of insanity? That would be like me playing a British character and getting so pissed that I don't bother breaking character and cursing them out with a stupid amateur British accent. God, what a douche in a half. Listen Bale, we know about Method acting, but buddy, you're no DeNiro, you're no Daniel Day Lewis, and you're certainly no Brando. They're the only three method actors that would get a pass, but they're legends and professionals and would never treat people like this asshole. I would love to fight this prick.

Only Californians could screw something up so magical...



Urban legend tells of a "Big One" that would crack along the San Andreas fault sending California floating off into the ocean. First, we couldn't be so lucky. Second, unless you have the intelligence of Dexter Manley, you know that is effing stupid and unfeasible. Regardless, that would be awesome because California is so far off the reservation it probably can never be saved. Only those liberal socialists can take a state that would have the 7th largest economy in the world and tax the shit out of it as they expand the already massive government until the state is completely flat broke. It seems almost impossible to have a state with the most millionaires by a landslide go broke. You really really have to try to screw that up. Governor Schwarzenegger, on Monday, announced a state of fiscal emergency and unveiled a plan that relies largely on cuts to health care and social services for the poor. About $7.4 billion of his proposal would come from cuts, include reducing cash assistance to needy families by 15.7 percent in April, then eliminating the entire welfare-to-work program in July. At this point, it's like Clark Gwiswold putting chewing gum in the hole at the Hoover Dam.


This article was brilliantly written by one of those "evil rich guys" in California making over 200,000...selfish bastard. It's well worth the read.

Here's my favorite part:

People in California making over 200,000/year pay 66% of the state's taxes yet they only earn 39% of the state's income and most of those are small businesses which produce the majority of the job growth. Explain the fairness in that liberals...oh that's right...you don't care about fair.


Like the harried traveler who made famous the expression, “Don’t touch my junk”, I have elected my own personal protest, California style. I have decided to OPT-OUT of California to protest my overgrown state government. I am tired of California legislators sticking their hands in my pants to pay for the European style social welfare state they have created. My work, my earnings and my taxes will go elsewhere.

I am one of those evil “high-earners” in California with income over $200,000 per year. It is unimportant to state legislators that we high-earners pay most of California’s taxes. According to the Franchise Tax Board, in 2007 more than 87 percent of California capital gains taxes came from taxpayers with adjusted incomes of more than $200,000. Residents with incomes over $200,000 pay 66 percent of its income taxes even though earn just 39 percent of the state's income. More important to California’s future, most of us are small businesses, which account for 65 percent of new job growth in the state.

When I moved to California in 1981, California was truly the Golden State. Its budget revenues of $22.1 billion levied just $920 per person from its population of 24 million. It had great freeways, great schools and its inexpensive college/university system was the envy of the planet. By 2009, the budget revenues had grown to $86 billion, or $2,324 per person from each of its 37 million residents. But California has a $25.4 billion deficit, which means the aging “movement” activists who govern this state are spending $114 billion or $3,081 per resident. Spending is up 520% from 1981.

The $86 billion in revenues California collected from capital gains and income taxes is not the only tax that has increased. Despite Prop 13 that capped property taxes at 1%, property taxes expanded from $6.36 billion from 1980-1981 to $43.16 billion in 2006-2007, an increase of 579%. For point of reference the CPI index increased just 133%, from 88 in 1980-1981 to 202.4 in 2006-2007.

The Legislative Analyst's Office says California will have an additional $6.1 billion shortfall in the current fiscal year reaching $25.4 billion next year. Legislative Analyst Mac Taylor says the state faces deficits of $20 billion each year through 2015.

"Unless plans are put in place to begin tackling the ongoing budget problem, it will continue to be difficult for the state to address fundamental public-sector goals -- such as rebuilding aging infrastructure, addressing massive retirement liabilities, maintaining service levels of high-priority government programs and improving the state's tax system," the report said.

How did California voters respond to this fiscal irresponsibility in November? They rewarded the Democratic Party with every elected office from Governor to Insurance Commissioner, and returned Barbara Boxer to the US Senate. I guess California voters did not get the Tea Party memo that resulted in a “shellacking” of 64 Democrat Congressional seats in the rest of the nation. The political tsunami that hit even parts of the Eastern seaboard in 2010 totally missed California. Perhaps it ended somewhere in Nevada with the re-election of Harry Reid.

So, in protest to the insensitive indulgent big-spenders that run Sacramento, I say, “Don’t touch my junk!!!” My beautiful California home is now on the market for $2,000,000. My next home will be in a no state income tax state like Texas or Nevada. I will not buy that new Jaguar that I was planning to purchase for $75,000. I will keep my old Cadillac and deprive Sacramento of $6,562 from its 8.75% sales tax. My next purchase for my real estate business will be an office building in Prague in the Czech Republic, a democracy that has lower taxes and fewer regulations. My income will remain either offshore or in a state that does not confiscate like the money grubbers in Sacramento. And, I will not be investing my capital to create any new jobs in California. In the digital age, my staff will be located in states that are a little more business friendly.

Apparently, I am not alone. Migration out of California exceeds the rate of almost every other state. Why are my fellow “high-earners” leaving the Golden State? Maybe it is because California ranks nationally in the bottom two for business friendliness while placing third in state income taxes.

We have Jerry Brown as our Governor again, meaning that he will live his entire life without a real job. The Central Valley, once agricultural wonderland of America, has Depression era unemployment, this as a result of a green-inspired court water shut-off designed to protect an Anchovy sized piece of bait called the Delta Smelt. And, our brilliant voters – including those working class voters most impacted – rejected Prop 23. That means that on January 1, 2011, California must begin to reduce our greenhouse gases by 40%. To achieve this noble goal, we seem certain to make ourselves even more uncompetitive with other countries and other states.

If that was not enough, voters also approved Prop 25 which allows the public union dominated Democrats to pass its budget with a simple majority. They did such a good job ($20 billion shortfalls) when they were forced to obtain a 2/3rds vote for approval. They no longer will need a single Republican vote to pass their budgets.

Margaret Thatcher remarked to Parliament on February 22, 1990, “The trouble with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money.” Such will be the fate of the failed state of California and its free spending legislators, when high-earners like myself vote with their feet, and their wallets, and take their earnings elsewhere.

Wikileak is a threat to national security and a much needed vitamin for our democracy


"Information is the currency of democracy" -Thomas Jefferson

This might put me on the watch list, but when it comes to patriotism and the safety of our men and women in harm's way, the bravest and most noble warriors on earth, nothing is more serious. It seems members of Congress are more disturbed by these document's release because it reveals just how inept one governing body can actually become. They also reveal the massive growth of "State Secrets" and the chasm between our Government and the people it represents. If a leaked document represents a clear and present danger to this nation, its people, or its defenders, then obviously, hang the traitors that release them. But when released documents, easily stolen by low-level analyst, Private Bradley Manning, who, according to the Associated Press, was able to defeat Pentagon security systems using little more than a Lady Gaga CD and a portable computer memory stick, are posted to an Internet site, it seems to me that besides a crime being committed, a gift with a big red bow has been handed to the people of America. Are such "secrets" that easily stolen from the Pentagon? A Lady GaGa CD and a memory stick is hardly Mission Impossible espionage. Hell, we've all seen Spies Like Us, where two dim witted analysts penetrate deep within Communist Russia and ultimately save the world by redirecting a nuclear missile headed to US soil. Can stealing secrets detrimental to our safety and national security be so poorly protected that a private can steal them? Thankfully, as of November 28, no death can be attributed to the leaked documents, mainly because there wasn't dangeroulsy sensitive information leaked. Instead, there was a story of America's Arab Allies' obvious concerns regarding Iran and its nuclear program and their encouragement for the US to disarm them by any means necessary. Besides that, there was revealing that the Saudi King has a blond girlfriend, and that the Chancellor of Germany and the President of France don't get along. Then, there's my personal favorite, the King of Saudi Arabia saying prisoners released from Guantanamo ought to have tracking chips implanted. Are these State Secrets, because not one of those so-called secrets would surprise anyone that's been alive for the past five years. I've never heard secrets less secretive.

There are many people around the globe that despise America. Maybe Private Manning is one of them, maybe the face of WikiLeaks is another, but when it comes to the true enemies of America's liberty, there are much graver threats. What's wrong with government transparency? What's wrong with the protection of the 1st Amendment? What's wrong with, as Obama promised during his campaign, reducing the amount of "State Secrets" and having a more open and transparent government. This barrage of leaked documents stand to improve America, not destroy it. Like many Americans, Republican and Democrat alike, I'm disgusted by the ineptitude, the apathy, the arrogance and the misrepresentation of our Government and its leaders. I'm saddened by our citizens that condemn our nation's ambitions to free others from enslavement and tryanny. I'm saddened by the inability of our nation's people to value accountability and demand it from our elected officials. Anything that can strip the power from multi-term Senators, corrupt, law-breaking members of the House, and Presidents that ignore the wishes of the people, the more our country shifts the power back to its people. Then, for the first time in more than 230 years, the American people will feel the enormous power and reap the benefits of liberty.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

You know you're a rocket when...





I've been smitten by Natlie Portman since like 1996 when a semi-pedo Bear, Timothy Hutton, was watching his life unravel over the trauma of growing up and especially, her 13 year old beauty in Beautiful Girls. It instantly became one of my favorite movies. Everyone, including me, that witnessed her breakthrough performance, knew right then and there, Natalie Portman was destined for stardom. I've always said being a hot girl is about as powerful as living on Mt Olympus and being part of mythology. It's the most powerful commodity on the face of the Earth. Natalie Portman has been been a resident of that mythological mountain for years and she's always the hottest girl in the room...until this night happened. I'm sure it never occurred to her, since she's always embarrassed her competition, that someone standing next to her would make her seem homely. Boy did she underestimate Mila Kunis' ridonkulous effortless Eastern European hotness. These pictures are from The Black Swan premiere, set to open next weekend, and holy erections, does this make me dizzy. I don't know if I'll see the movie, but I do know Black Swan is about Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis playing rival ballet dancers, and at some point in the film, they have a steamy sex scene with copious amounts of gratuitous nudity. Wait, what the hell am I saying...

"Sir, one adult for The Black Swan."

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sorry for the Holiday Hiatus...




I wanted to blog over the Thanksgiving weekend, but honestly, my electrolyte levels were dangerously low and my hands shook too badly as my liver was on the brink of failure. It's taken until today to get the jaundice-yellow to leave the sclera of my eye and for my 4am night sweats to subside. My four day bender was so intense, I began to swing the whiffle ball bat like Mickey mantle. Nonetheless, I of course wouldn't take back one minute of my championship beer pong run, extensive Wolf Mountain wine tasting, my subpar A cappella Gin and Juice performance, or my 0-3 cricket record. The pics included may or not be my family and me gathered around the dinner table and engaging in rigmarole around the house.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It's not too late, Taylor, please apologize.



It's taken me a few days to regain my hearing after the howling pack of wolves a.k.a. singers/entertainers took the stage at the AMA's. I've wanted to comment, but it was literally too painful to endure. Where have singers disappeared to? Seriously. Say what you want, but when Elvis, The Beatles, Elton John, Billy Joel, Frank Sinatra, took/take the stage, you knew you were at least going to get artists that could hit a note and stay on key. This video of Taylor Swift, the highest selling artist of 2010, sounds like someone is murdering her. Honestly, I can say I've never seen a live performance this badly performed. I'm a marginal singer, but I'm convinced I could be less pitchy than this. Ironically, Taylor mixes Timbaland's "Apologize" into the middle of her song, "Back to December," and boy, was an apology ever needed. She should actually forgo the apology and just send my cochlear implants after that torture. It's obvious how well a studio, auto tune and other technology can make someone sound when you hear live versions of ridiculously successful artists like Taylor Swift sound so heinous. Also, can someone please send her an email and tell her to get her veneers replaced. Apparently, she went to the same cosmetic dentist that Hillary Duff, Gary Busey and Matt Dillon's character from Something About Mary went to. When I was 6 years old and my parents and I would leave The Golden Corral Steakhouse, I would beg my father for a quarter for Chicklet gum. Little did I know, 26 years later, I would be watching Taylor Swift and have the sudden urge for both The Golden Corral and Chicklet gum. Nice Teeth. Hope they win.
...

Sean Penn tears up the AMA's



I can't imagine the 3 people, besides Taylor Swift's mom, that actually watched the AMA's could've thought this was entertainment. I saw two performances and without an ounce of hyperbole, they were the two worst live performances I have ever seen. As for Ke$ha, seeing this girl walking red carpets is like seeing OJ lead candle light vigils for murder victims. I'd rather shove my penis a bee hive then a rusty bear trap covered with syphilis than get anywhere near Ke$ha's fug ass. If I saw this coming toward me in a dark alley on a Saturday night, I would have two thoughts. 1, Are you Sean Penn cause I wanna kick your ass. 2, please don't kill me Jason Vorhees.

Guard it with your life...




If there's one thing that a woman has that can ensure her youth in a cruel world where men age more gracefully, it's long hair. It's the one commodity that should never be relinquished. We all know it has to go at some point, but don't rush it please. If it were up to me, I think that old ass Rose in Titanic looked better with long hair and she was like 140 or something. Kelly Brook is one of the hottest women on the planet and now, with this helmet, she looks like some aging mom from a Harry Potter movie. It's so unnerving to witness such a demise of elite beauty. I wonder what goes through the head of a woman as she sits in the chair and requests this god awful lettuce. I'm simply disgusted. Kelly Brook stole my heart when she took her clothes off in Survival Island and then again in Piranha 3-D, but now, with this look, I'm trying to be seduced by kindergarten teacher from rural Iowa.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wait a doggone second...they're what?



Surely you're pulling my leg. The sitch and the 16 and Pregnant poster child were chosen by Candies as the spokespeople for their abstinence campaign? I can only think the executives at Candies are pointing at pictures of the average American and laughing like humans do at the gorilla exhibits, "look, they're so funny." Selecting these two as models for abstinence is like letting magic Johnson teach teenagers about wearing condoms, or Jeffrey Dahmer being selected by PETA as vegetarian of the 20th century, or Lindsay Lohan leading the anti-penis campaign. I'm 32 years old and I've never witnessed something less rational. Holy smokes, I've never been more over two numbskulls.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I admit, I'm strangely interested.



We were really concerned with the Y2K the last time I dreamed about making the sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. Specifically, it was right after I saw Great Expectations and before Shakespeare in Love. Anyway, tomorrow night she's on that show all all my gay friends (except you JB), tell me to watch. Now I haven't seen one episode of Glee, but I have to admit, this seems really entertaining. I'm not ashamed to admit my affection for show tunes and top 40. I'm not sold on this Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines transformation Gwyneth is working on, however. In her country song I can't help but think of The Upper East Side when she sings about the "Ground she grew up on". Surely when she refers to being Country Strong, she's referring to New York's United Nations Building on the East River. Yeah, I know she's playing a character, but come on guys. This movie looks ri-GD-diculous. I'd rather someone slam a hot poker into my eye. Stick with Cee-Lo Green...that, I can tolerate.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Luckiest redneck in the world.


Antique Roadshow Record Item - Watch more Funny Videos

Antique Road Show is about as entertaining as a botched circumcision, but on this episode, this redneck lady gets the best news since two Saturdays ago when her winning Bingo number was called out at the VFW while she was eating a bag of Funyuns and burning heaters. Sometimes in life things just start going your way and something tells me that there's a trailer that will be improved property when taxes are reassessed; after all, 1 million dollar in Chinese antiques can buy a ton of mountable talking fish, rear-view mirror hanging Dreamcatchers, Crocs, or WWF Pay-Per-View events.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Liberal economics 101



You're angry because you want your higher level education to cost less. Since the government already subsidizes your education, pays for your healthcare and allows you to retire at 60 (France), despite the government and your currency being crippled by socialistic handouts and stipends, you still want more? What's the logical thing to do? Riot...if you're a retarded liberal in England. Today, they're throwing fire extinguishers off the roof of six story buildings protesting higher tuition costs. Several police officers have been hospitalized. Let's recap: You're so angry that you're not getting enough shit for free, you riot and turn to violence. Is that what our world's leading nations have become? Have hard work and sacrifice been replaced by violence, socialism and an entitlement mentality? I'm disgusted by these actions. France riots because the retirement age was raised and it's 60. Seriously? England students now riot because education costs COULD be raised. News flash dipshits...your utopian European union is broke. Flat broke and busted. Just like America, were not playing with monopoly money. This is big boy/big girl economics. You can't keep spending money you don't have. I know fiscal responsibility addresses a concept most liberals can't conceptualize, but its true. It's analogous to the obesity pandemic. Just like burning more calories than you consume causes weightloss, spending more than you take in causes economic peril and nations to collapse. It's not rocket science, and to the people with excuses, it's not genetic. It's logic. It's math. Plain and simple.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

MadTV was a sort of ahead of the curve...



In 2006, MadTV predicted the APPLE IPAD, sort of. For no other reason than I just got one and it's kind of funny minus the feminine hygiene indication, I'm posting this video.

Team Coco, I guess.



Conan O'Brien debuted his show last night on TBS to fantastic ratings. In fact, he beat out Letterman and Leno. To be frank, I couldn't care less if any of them ever recorded another show, but I guess if I had to pick one, Conan would be the only one I would wish success on. I guess more specifically, he's the one I hate the least. Leno is fat piece of annoying...well you know. Letterman is so liberal, he can't through one show without vomiting his political agenda on his viewers. Conan was just the dork in high school and got his break. He's been tossed around by NBC and Leno so at the very least, I wish him success just because I know his success explodes Leno's huge chin and head with anger. Regardless of what happens though, this opening skit from last night's show was brilliant.

Can it be? Kayne West > Kim Zolciak


The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Kim Zolciak Tries To Sing
Uploaded by TheDlisted. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

When I said Kanye West was talentless, I hadn't seen this video. The fact that this woman represents Atlanta in any way is disgusting. I can harass my dog enough until he starts to howl, and yet still, he carries more tunes than this hag. Surely she knows she's awful. God, how on Earth could you not. I'd rather be subjected to 12 hours of sounds from the electric chair than this heinous woman. If I close my eyes, she sounds eerily like a wildebeest getting raped by a water buffalo. If we're lucky, she'll get clipped by a MARTA train going to her next "studio session". If you watch one minute of this show, I officially hate you.

I would rather jump out of this airplane.



This is a video from a Delta Airlines flight a few weeks ago in which Kanye West takes over the flight attendant mic and lays down a few lines from Gold Digger. I've been an avid rap music follower since 1986 and since then, I can't think of one person more overrated than this guy. I was lucky enough to see SNL when his Autotune "malfunctioned". I honestly have never heard anything so badly performed in my life. So bad in fact, he and his lawyers threatened prosecution if web/media outlets didn't remove the video from their websites. It's no secret stars are narcissists, but Kanye takes it to a whole new level. Take away his autotune, his synthesizers, his stupid lyrics, and you're left with a wannabe rapper who's only concern is himself that wouldn't deserve to be in the same room with Biggie, Tupac, or Eminem. It's a shame this spoiled little brat makes millions.

Like Lil Wayne's song, Dont like the look of it...neither do I.



Rapper, chart topper, tear tattooed, diamond grill sporting, Lil Wayne, was fortunate to only get three years of unsupervised probation for “Tour Bus Raid #2,” which was basically the Arizona-based encore of the arrest in New York City that sent him to Rikers for eight months; however, that probation may be hard to adhere to...because among other things, it includes a provision that forbids Wayne from consuming “any substances containing alcohol” for the full three years. 3 Years. 1,095.7 days. 26,297.4383 hours. Keeping Lil Wayne away from alcohol for that long would be as challenging as keeping OJ Simpson away from knives and white chicks or Lindsay Lohan away from Columbian drug lords, or Charlie Sheen away from blow and prostitutes. Aside from the alcohol restrictions, he also can’t possess any illegal drugs or controlled substances...if that's not obvious. Naturally, the alcohol is going to be almost impossible to enforce within Wayne’s private space. That being said, Wayne will have to undergo drug and alcohol testing. This became effective on Friday, when Wayne went to Arizona to sign the papers.

TMZ is reporting that Wayne had 48 bottles of “really expensive champagne” ordered for his welcome home party at a Miami strip club this past weekend. So, if that went down as planned, which it obviously did, Wayne’s sobriety agreement was tested early. Face it, based on the picture above, he doesn't look like a person that doesn't drink.

I hope for his sake, Lil Wayne keeps off the sauce. I'll be honest, I'm almost positive I couldn't do it. How is that rappers like Lil Wayne and T.I. get jail time for drugs and weapons possessions, but Lindsay Lohan gets pulled over once a week with blow and a blood alcohol content of .2 or higher and she goes to oceanfront rehab facilities that look like MTV beach party houses. Just doesn't seem right.

Monday, November 8, 2010

OMG Becky, look at her butt...





Rachel Mcadams is one of the most underutilized actresses in Hollywood. Since Wedding Crashers, she's been my heart's magnetic north. She's talented, sexy and yet still looks like a girl that could've easily gone to my high school...well maybe not my high school. There is one problem with her though. Apparently, she has been buying HGH from BALCO Labs and doing nothing but lunges and squats. There's having junk in your trunk and then there's having an ass that rivals J-LO's with glute implants. It's okay, Rachel, you're still my girl...just take it easy on the lunges.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Worst Human Being Ever...



This is a mugshot from the Chicago Tribune online. If you want to stare character and integrity in the face, take a look at this guy. He was arrested for Aggravated Vehicular Hijacking of a Handicapped Vehicle. Even typing those words made me cringe. If you hijack a Rascal or a wheelchair, you're an asshole. Under what circumstances would you need to hijack a handicapped vehicle? Are you headed to the store and you're just tired of walking so you punch a handicapped person in the face, throw him/her off the wheelchair and roll yourself to the store? If you're guilty of this crime, I would bet 2 grand you don't have a job and have never paid taxes.

Tuesday becomes the game changer Americans are thirsty for...


Tuesday evening will reveal just how much Americans still love individual liberty and freedom. After two years of the most liberal Presidency ever, a Congress that passes legislation that overwhelming majorities of Americans despise, and confidence in Washington is at an all time low, Americans enter the voting booth with an opportunity to change everything. Democrats have done exactly what their campaigns said they would do. President Obama, on the other hand, is a different story. Reuniting Washington couldn't be further from the truth. With his liberal agenda, he's created a chasm between both sides of the isle no one can reach across. It's these arrogant policies, this blind spending, that has had his part on the ropes for months leading up to this day. Jeb Bush once said, "Liberals get themselves in trouble when they adhere to the core policies of their party. Republicans, however, get themselves in trouble when they abandon the core principles of the party. That's exactly what happened the eight years during George Bush. The party abandoned fiscal conservatism and continued spending money and expanding government programs. That's not the government the Framers of the Constitution had in mind. In a closed booth, aside from the zealots of both ends of the spectrum, most Americans don't care about social issues, but fiscally, most working Americans are conservative. That's the independent vote that elected President Obama. Conversely, Democrats find themselves clawing and scraping to keep their stronghold in Washington due to the direction they've taken America against the will of the American people. Health Care legislation no one wanted, stimulus packages that didn't work, massive increases in debt, will undoubtably be the things people remember as they enter the voting booth Tuesday. Despite President Obama calling his opponents his enemies, I'm just an American that doesn't need government in my life for anything other than my protection. My enemy is not my President, but the Islamic idiots that are sending mail bombs all over this globe. This administration needs a wake up call and I'm pretty sure tonight by 10pm, America's Liberty Bell that last rang in 1846, tonight, will ring again.

Monday, November 1, 2010

She has a sister...God loves me afterall!





In 1998, Laetitia Casta, seen above, appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. That one single cover is probably responsible for my obsession with super models. It changed my life. It wasn't too long after that amazing cover that Laetitia disappeared from my life almost as fast as she appeared. By 2001 Laetitia had become an after thought in the world of Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated. Thanks to the sweet Lord, another ten years later, Laetita's younger sister is bursting on the scene and delivering magic to my laptop. It's almost as if I've slept with two sisters now. The jury is still out on whether or not she's even pretty, but who cares, because she's the younger sister to one of the most electrifying obsessions this world has ever seen.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

“Your heart is my piƱata.”





I really was planning on posting a lot of the material that I've been storing in my downloads box, but as some of you know, Blake Lively announced today that she and num-nutsPenn Badgley had broken up. So, as you can imagine, that changed my daily timeline. Instead of blogging all afternoon on useless stories no one cares about, I spent it buying flowers, handcuffs, GHB and ski masks. I know she loves me. I can tell because when I pull this picture out of my pocket, the one where she took a shower for me while I was hanging outside her window from that rusted vine grate, she always looks at me. I can see it in her eyes. She's always aiming to please me. The cops are in on our little game too. It's so fun. They keep saying, "Mr Roethlisberger (clever right? That's what they think my name is) You cannot be on this property according to the Los Angeles County Courts." Keeping with the game, I just nod, wink, and say, Ohhh...I get it. Yes siiirrrrr, I'm leaving (wink wink) now...."

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Incredible stupidity = Gene pool cleansing


People Are Awesome - Watch more Sports

Despite half of these people not having a chance to live past 30, videos like this, to me, are wildly entertaining. A couple of these I had to rewatch because I was literally staring in disbelief.

No to marijuana, yes to murder. Yep, Florida strikes again.




In 2007 she captured global attention as the Hiccup Girl, a 15-year-old who spent nearly six weeks searching for a remedy for her non-stop bout of hiccups – a journey documented by multiple visits to NBC's Today. However, since then, Jennifer Mee, 19, of St. Petersburg has taken up a new hobby, Robbery and Murder. She, along with two others are charged with first-degree murder in the death of Shannon Griffin, 22, whom they tried to rob on Saturday. Just to ensure that everyone knew what a hopeless dip shit loser she was, Jennifer, on her MySpace page, describes herself as a "female version of a hustla."

Many questions could arise from this troubled teen's story, yet none more perplexing than, "Who has a Myspace page?"

Monday, October 25, 2010

It's gonna be a tough task, but try to pick out the famous people.




When I look at the pictures of the Jersey Snores above, I can hardly contain my laughter. It looks like a terrible typical SNL skit. Snooki has on 6"heels and still couldn't ride one roller coaster in North America. The other two look like younger versions of Magda from, There's Something About Mary. Conversely, the other picture looks like two angels singing hymns from Heaven. The differences between these two pictures are the epitome of what's wrong with pop culture in America. In fact, these barely resemble the same species.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Jennifer Aniston's photography classes are really paying off...



Everyone, except me of course, thought Brad and Angie would last about 10 seconds. Since 2005 they have been having sex and causing Jennifer Aniston to sew Voo-Doo dolls of skinny brunettes defying the odds and you can see from the pictures here, they still kiss for fun. With lips like Jolie's, who wouldn't kiss for fun. She could murder a Care Bear riding My Little Pony and I would still want to have sex with her. Yeah she's weird, so what. Who isn't? We'd be perfect. I'm weird as hell. Angelina, I like kids...especially adopted ones with funny names. Call me.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

This is precisely how I know Maxim sucks.



Avril Lavigne hasn't been relevant, well really ever, but at least since 2003 or so. She's like a 27 year old version of a girl you dated when you were in 6th grade. Either Maxim is dedicated to turning me into a pedophile that likes pale, flat chested, 4'1" 6th graders, or they hate sexy women. Maxim magazine sucks my ass. I would rather send my money to continue helping Sally Struthers steal food from those poor African children than give one dime to Maxim Magazine.

wowzers.



I've been looking at a blinking cursor for three hours and I can't think of one reason I'm posting this picture of Victoria's Secret model Candice Swanepoel. I'm almost positive this picture was taken in Heaven by God, which is why it's beyond my comprehension. God, thank you for uploading this JPEG. You're amazing.

Jennifer Aniston will ruin your life.



After 11 years of marriage and bearing the burden of having self loathing misery addict Jennifer Aniston ride you like a fair pony, Courtney Cox and David Arquette separated. I was naive enough to believe this Hollywood couple would actually last, but if I had just considered how closely Jennifer Aniston is to them, I would've known their marriage was doomed like Pamela Anderson's liver. Jennifer Aniston is the luckiest person in Hollywood. The only reason she ever became famous was because a brilliant group of writers and producers caught lightning in a bottle and developed one of the greatest shows in the history of television. Think about it, at the time, dip shit Schwimmer was the biggest star on the show...that is until Aniston married Brad Pitt. At that point her career took off. When she finally drove him into the arms Jolie, Aniston's career and personal life started a downward spiral that could rival Enron. She's such a Ba-Ba Blacksheep, if I passed Aniston on Sunset Blvd, I would expect to be possessed by some satanic murderer that sings that Rolling Stones song, "Time is on our Side" like that Denzel Washington movie that scared the hell out of me.

Guess what she does for a living?





Like Aristotle's third element of truth, Logos, these pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio are all the logical proof I need to know that my loins are actually on fire. I expect, within the hour, to get a comment on my blog from Chris Bostain that says, "Like I've said many times before, I would cash it all in for this girl." Well, Chris, I couldn't agree more. There's hardly anything left to say about a woman this seemingly perfect. All I can convince myself is that somewhere her husband bitches to all his friends about how much she nags, how bad she is in the sack, and how she never lets him watch the game with the boys or play golf. Honestly, she could staple my frank and beans to the bed sheets every night and slap me across the face with a boat paddle and I would still wake up thinking about how romantic she was. Alessandra Ambrosio is a model because somewhere in some Brazilian or Argentine genetic laboratory, smart people with funny accents and brown skin created perfection. There's literally not one job on the face of the Earth that she could do better than this one.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Meth is the new steroids



Someone, on some blog, told me this was Aaron Carter. I have no idea who that is so according to WIKI, Aaron Carter is the brother of Nick Carter. Guess what, I don't know Nick Carter either, but according to WIKI, he was in the Backstreet Boys. Guess what, yeah I know who they are, but I wish I didn't. Anyway, the only reason I read this story and saved this picture was because I was certain this story had to be about Meth addiction or Intervention's new season on A&E. If one of you know one thing this dude has done to be considered famous, I'll send you a gift certificate to Waffle House.

Friday, October 8, 2010

I dare you to not laugh.


News Anchor Cracks Up At Dikshit - Watch more Funny Videos

I would pay three grand to get this guy stoned out of his mind and just start laughing. It makes me happier than watching puppies and unicorns kiss.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

God, she's so pretty.




Christina Hendricks was photographed spending her time between takes violently burning heaters in hopes of suppressing her insatiable appetite. Obviously, it's working...working the same way deep fried oreo and pork chop milk shake diets work.

In the latest edition of Harper's Bazaar, Hendricks revealed to the curious readers just how irresistible she is to both men and women and how confusingly arrogant she is about her obesity body and good looks:

“Women hit on me,” she chuckles. “My husband thinks it’s so odd that so many women hit on me.” Gay men too. “They say to me, ‘Well, I’m not straight, but if I was…’ I think it’s so flattering.”

"When the attention started to become about my figure, I was surprised, because it wasn’t something I was focused on. And then it became very positive, and people were saying very nice things. A fan approached her and said, “Excuse me, I just want to tell you that I watch your show, and you make me feel better about myself. I am a curvy woman and you’ve made me feel sexy and beautiful.’ I got teary eyed.”

I'm not the Oracle at Delphi, or one of those poverty stricken oxy addict hippies camouflaging themselves as fortune tellers, but let me go out on a limb and say Christina Hendricks was shocked people were talking positive about her figure because there's nothing positive to say, that is, unless you like marshmallows that smell like cigarettes. If I knew everything about everything, I would never know why this chick is on television. Mad Men is one of those shows like Arrested Development. Critics and everyone that think themselves smarter than they really are like these shows. Yeah, Mad Men might win an Emmy or two, but who cares. I love television. I love movies. I've never seen Mad Men once and I never saw that piece of shit The English Patient, and it won like a thousand Oscars one year. Now, I wouldn't watch Mad Men just because this dumb ass is on the show. She better thank to the good Lord men are dumb and still infatuated with tits. This chick actually makes me physically ill to look at her. Couple that with arrogance and tons of money and kick me in the nuts. I'd rather bang Pam Anderson and Courtney Love back to back without protection than spend one minute in a room with this chick naked.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Tim, only you could love this story as much as I do...



Reuters) - The United States apologized on Friday for an experiment conducted in the 1940s in which U.S. government researchers deliberately infected Guatemalan prison inmates, women and mental patients with syphilis.

In the experiment, aimed at testing the then-new drug penicillin, inmates were infected by prostitutes and later treated with the antibiotic.

"The sexually transmitted disease inoculation study conducted from 1946-1948 in Guatemala was clearly unethical," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said in a statement.

Unethical? I'd have to say that's the understatement of a lifetime. Aside from inmates getting to bang a hooker, when a government deliberately infects inmates with syphilis, that usually will result in a conviction for crimes against humanity. What dipshit decides one day that this is will be a good idea? I've always heard that if you're unsure of whether or not you should do or say something, you should say it aloud to yourself. Then, you'll have a better idea of how it might sound or seem. Well, needless to say, the US didn't say this one out loud. They didn't even whisper. Holy crap, this seems not only amazingly stupid, but inhumane.

"Hey Bill, guys, gather round, I've got a great idea to help Bill with his syphilis. All we're need are some whores and some prisoners."

Monday, October 4, 2010

Survey Says...



This is one show that has always been hijacked by the biggest tool hosts of any game show in history, except for maybe, Alex Trebek, who according to the way he corrects people, no only speaks every language with perfect accents, he also knows the answer to every question that's ever been asked on Jeopardy. You know what Alex, I know you're reading the answers on those damn cards. Don't be so proud of yourself. Serious though, Family Feud has always been a wretched show, but I have to admit, this show hosted by Steve Harvey wouldn't be that bad. This is one funny damn video.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Cobra McJingleballs...are you effing kidding me?


Justin Murdock, billionaire Dole Food heir and Hobbit Avril Lavigne's ex-boyfriend—faces a sexual harassment suit for calling an employee a "whore," telling her to suck his * & % $, and requiring her to start a Facebook account for him as "Cobra McJingleballs."

The 38-year-old billionaire has a reputation of being an A-Hole, and being a socialite with young people in Hollywood. Carissa, the former director of corporate development has accused Justin of the following:

* Forced her to open a Facebook account for him under the name "Cobra McJingleballs" and which was filled with graphic images including a minstrel-show actor in blackface and an old black-and-white photo of men dressed in Ku Klux Klan robes.
* Told her, "You look like a whore" and said, "What you need is a good pounding." Murdock also allegedly showed her a pornographic film and said, "You know you love it," told of his sexual exploits in graphic detail and simulated sex acts at meetings.
* Demanded she buy flights and hotel rooms for young "interns" he planned to feature in ads for NovaRx.
* Defined her job as being "under my desk [bleep]ing my [bleep.]"
* Threatened her life, saying, "If NovaRx fails, I'll put you at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean in concrete boots."

I gotta tell you...if these allegations were directed at anyone else, I would say he/she will have the book thrown at them; however, when you're a billionaire and you open a facebook account that reads Cobra McJingleballs, you might be the biggest bad ass on earth. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but sexual harassment does not exist for a guy like this. Death threats...whatever. This story is far and away the greatest thing I've read in 2010. It's essentially not even close.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break - Shakespeare



One of the saddest days of my not-so-young life came today when Heidi Klum announced that she and Victoria's Secret were parting ways. For 13 years Heidi has been the catalyst for my immature, insensitive, demeaning and objectifying sense of humor regarding supermodels. Inspiration, I feel, only comes around like this once in a lifetime. Heidi has not only selflessly given to me and Mr Down South, but scores of innocent and thirsty others, hope and resilience. Moving forward, I simply cannot think of life with Victoria's Secret as my muse, inspiration, and emotional compass, without Heidi Klum. Being the "Head Angel" as she was, requires responsibility and fortitude at a level most young models cannot aspire. Many of you are probably staring at your screen in disbelief, wondering what's so special about this German girl from Bergisch Gladbach. Well, stop projecting you selfish bastards. Let's take a moment of silience.......






How dare you blaspheme. Where will this lonely and lost periodical go without the navigation of German beauty and perfection? I ask you, where will they find the next "Head Angel?" If you irresponsible blow hards tell me Gisele Bundchen, I hate you more than cancer. In fact, I've seen more feminine features at drag shows. Right now, as my cursor races across an empty tear soaked screen, Tom Brady is more effeminate than his supermodel girlfriend. So, don't you dare tell me about what drives the spark for the most influential mail order magazine in the history of man. I want to go on...I want to extend a helping hand to others hurting like I am hurting, but I simply cannot allow my ego to write checks my body cannot cash. It may be days, it may be weeks before my words find you again. Alas, I will end this entry with Shakespeare, just as I started it, "Farewell, fair cruelty.”