Tuesday, June 30, 2009

It truly seems every political party in this country has lost its way.







This whole campaign of abstinence targeted toward urban areas not only doesnt work, it seems like a hyerbolic effort based on stereotypes and prejudices. Sure, I know the statistics just like everyone else, but let's face it, a billboard directing kids with poor education against sex before marriage is idiotic. Just because you camouflage your wasted message in their so-called "language" with stupidity like "bling" or "my boo" doesn't give you street cred or make you more relatable, it just makes you ignorant. Parental guidance and role models coupled with higher quality education and overall better and safer school environments are the key to ameliorating this teen pregnancy problem America faces. Inner city and poverty stricken areas across racial boundries are facing a problem that will only get worse. Education in this country has become exactly what our Government wanted it to become. It's become a system that not only creates excuses for mediocrity, but encourages it by placing restrictions on punishing pupils for their behavior and their lack of efforts, by failing to hold teachers accountable for their classrooms and their respective schools, placing no blame or responsibility on the parents, and dumbing down kids by leveling the already deteriorating playing field with socialistic programs like No Child Left Behind and Affirmative Action. All people are not created equal. All kids are not smart. All kids don't try really hard to succeed in life. Unfortunately some kids have horrible home lives, some have disabilities, and some just don't get it no matter how hard they try, but there are great teachers all over this country that would love to help mentor our youth. There are kids acorss the country dreaming of becoming a surgeon, a teacher or coach, a scientist or an egineeer. These kids should have a chance at those dreams. Everyone with a brain and some level of patriotism and humanity is for equal rights, equal opportunity, and equal pay for equal work. Educational downfalls and social shortcomings aren't encapsulated in one demographic or another. It's widespread and it's worsening. There has to reach a level of personal responsibility and accountability, but in this country today, the dependency on government and its income smothering social programs and educational system are crippling and asphyxiating our young bright minds and therefore hacking away at our spirits, our drives, and our dreams and aspirations. When bright minded Americans lose the will to achieve because of perpetually dwindling rewards and fiscal punishment for achievement, our country has knelt to the strong arm of government dominance and relinquished our will and individual spirit to the limiting and choking grips of Marxist socialism.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Megan Fox...tick tick tick. That's your 15 minutes slowly ticking away.





Isabel Lucas is the new "Megan Fox" in Transformers 2. But when I say she's the new Megan Fox, I mean that she's the unheard of girl everyone in Hollywood is talking about. Well for once I can say that I agree whole heartedly with all the news outlets talking about this chick. This is about the most fresh faced, naturally drop dead sexy girl you'll ever see...ever. When Megan Fox stops staring at her horrific Marilyn Monroe tattoo and plotting to steal Angelina Jolie's identity and career like Single White Female, she'll realize that Michael Bay cast a much hotter, more talented, and sexier girl and then her career, as I called it before, is over. Megan Fox is like a trailer park version of Angelina Jolie. These recent pictures of Isabel Lucas will make you go stock up on a lifetime supply of KY warming. This girl makes it seem so effortless you almost feel sorry for her hotness. Meanwhile, Megan Fox goes around Hollywood insinuating she's bisexual (COUGH) Jolie, gets tattoos eevery five minutes (COUGH) Jolie, displays her sexuality ad nauseum in an attention starved gestures like this. Anyway, enjoy this girl, evidence that beautiful woman with Eastern European features are my kryptonite and achilles heel all wrapped in one 115lb package of sexual desire.

Neverland is to MJ as Wine Coolers are to Pedophiles


I promised myself that I wouldn't jump on the MJ train with everyone else in the world, but here of course, I cannot refrain. First, two weeks ago, no one on earth thought this guy wasn't a raging pedophile that used to be black. Now, all of the sudden, he's a magical humanitarian that showed his compassion all over the world through various organizations. I hate to talk about the dead...I think...well actually I really don't think I care one way or the other...especially when he's a rapist. MJ was like Peter Pan if Peter Pan flew into little boys rooms and instead of taking them flying through the night with Tinkerbell, took their anal virginity. He was a sick, abused, albeit talented entertainer with a tragic childhood and an affection for young boys, eccentricities and monkeys(not sure where he fit in). I just find it amusing how all of the sudden the media can't find one thing they don't love about this guy. It's a love fest. Well, guys...if I'm macaulay culkin, corey feldman, or any of the countless others he either paid off (go to hell parents that accepted money) or silenced with threats, the only thing I'm saying tonight is WHEW!

To me, as more evidence surfaces, this looks more and more like an assisted suicide. Knowing that the huge comeback tour was scheduled and based on the evidence that he was too frail and unhealthy to perform, I think all signs point to the obvious. The SUN is reporting he weighed 8 Stones 1 Ounce. That's 113 pounds.
He was 5"11". That's a really really sick body. No food in his sotmach, just pillls and he was completely bald. Unless you're a T-Total Moron though, you should know his hair has changed just a wee bit since his days as an ABC123 performer. Listen, I hope the guy finds peace for once, but come on, we're not talking about the Pope here. Please just stop with the love parade.

Lo siento



This picture really has no relevance other than it's awesome. I've been kind of out of the loop, as I've been in Myrtle Beach making my liver pay for all the times it betrayed my tolerance for alchohol too early in the night. But seriously, I guess what I'm saying is that with all the people dying, copious Hanogver movie quotes, and political, social and economic turmoil throughout the world, you'd think I'd have the fodder for more creativity, if you can call it that. In short, I'll do better.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Holy Moly she's genetic perfection.






I realized after seeing these pictures that I'm in love with Blake Lively to unhealthy proportions. My heart races like a virgin on prom night when I look at these pictures. I sat here staring at a blinking cursor trying my best to discover one thing that's not fabulous about this chick, but of course, there's nothing. She's perfect. If it required a severed penis by a rusty Coke can in order to get a piece of this muffin, I wouldn't hesitate. She's magic.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

1958-2009


Michael Jackson, an icon of pop music and perhaps the most famous person since Elvis Presley, passed away today from an apparrent heart attack. Although tragic, 8 year old boys sleep much better tonight knowing he's not trying to spoon them.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Is this a real human being?



It would scare me into a seizure if I saw this walking toward me on the beach. From a distance, I would think this could be a werewolf preparing its attack; however, as this approached though, I would realize its skin is melting off its body and would think...it's gotta be Magda from Something About Mary. Honest to God, it would be more comfortable to try to mate with a Box Fish Jelly than this chick. When your skin melts off, your hair is whiter than Nascar, and your breasts are farther apart than international soccer goals, you should just retire yourself to seclusion and refuse to punish enyone else with your hideousness.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Happy Father's Day...Bang Bang Bang...I love you son.


Sunday of course was a celebratory day for fathers everywhere. It's a day dedicated to giving back to fathers for their sacrifices, their unyielding love, and their selflessness. All that's true unless you're one particular father in Pennsylvania. Then, in that case, of course you spend your day aruguing with your son and shooting him to death.

STROUDSBURG, Pa. — Police say a 62-year-old northeastern Pennsylvania man shot his 19-year-old son to death during an argument on Father's Day.

Authorities say Bernard Uckele killed his son Justin with a handgun about 12:45 p.m. Sunday in the garage of Uckele's home in Jackson Township.

Justin Uckele was dead when troopers arrived. Bernard Uckele fled but was arrested after a short chase by police.

Police say Justin's girlfriend had fought with Justin's sister earlier Sunday afternoon and the father had become involved.

The shooting occurred after Justin returned home from work.

Bernard Uckele is being held without bail on a homicide charge at the Monroe County jail.

Killing your son on Father's Day? Really? Is it possible to have that much White Trash in your genetic code. If the human genome is mapped completely and we're able to eradicate certain traits, I hope we get rid of white trash fathers that shoot their son on Father's Day...just a thought.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Is it possible for everyone to hate you?


This is Gwyneth Paltrow, whom I had an unhealthy obession with about 10 years ago. I'm actually embarassed to say that. The Paltrow of 10 years ago was edgy, sexy, and well, fammous. Now she just can't open her mouth without reminding me how much I despise her. She posted this on her blog:

"The summer before last, a mutual friend brought the lovely Katie Lee Joel and her husband William over for dinner. Much to my delight, she brought a fresh batch of these cookies with her. I adore the contrast of the dark chocolate and the cherries -heaven."

Gwyneth, you are not British Roalty. You're a self indulgent asshole, but not royalty. Everyone in this universe knows Billy Joel as Billy Joel, but because what, you're obsessed with yourself and your own fame, you call him William to insist that you know him better than we do. William. I swear to God, I would punch you in the face. Billy Joel is Billy. Not William. That's stupid and so are you. Here's another newsflash Gwennie...you star as a secretary in Iron Man, your only successful movie in like a thousand years, and even that role could be played by a limbless deaf mute. "Here Mr Iron..Mr Man...Mr Iron...Man, here's your morning coffee and your make believe paper." That's a wrap Gwyneth. What a day! You're amazing! Everyone give a round of applause for Ms Paltrow's hard work. Applause ensues. (Puke) Actresses like Gwyneth Paltrow make me want to burn down the Hollywood sign. These people are worth millions and perpetuate make believe ideologies, encourage mediocrity, and force their ignorant platforms on misguided, confused, influenceable idiots.

Something smells fishy here...


18-year old Kimberley Vlaeminck from Kortrijk, Belgium, has pressed charges against a tattoo-artist. She asked for 3 stars but the tatoo artist tattooed 56 stars on her face without her even noticing.

She always wanted to get 3 dots tattooed next to her left eye. Her dad wanted even to pay for them as a family tradition.

The tattooman convinced the girl to choose stars in place of dots.

Kimberley said the communication was not very good. The man only spoke French and Kimberley speaks Flemish and a little bit of English.

What the hell? Is she saying that she's in this predicament because a man didn't communicate clearly due to a language barrier. Didn't she sit in a tattoo chair while a man tattooed her face? First, I question why she would want a tat on her face. Second, I question how many pills her dad feeds her before she sits in the chair. If you request three tats and sit silent while the artist (cough) ex-con gives you 56, you're the dumbest human being on Earth. Wouldn't most normal (cough) crazy losers getting face tats want to monitor the progress as you go? Of course you would. Apparently, when there's a language barrier between artist and captain crazy client, you can't tell when the artist moves a skin piercing needle from the corner of your eye to your lower chin. This is the kind of girl that you take to prom and she ends up handcuffing you to the bed, talks baby talk and whips you with barbed wire while she sodomizes you. I bet the cost of her tattoo removal that this chick has more personalities than a carnival fun house full of schizophrenics.

Hey morons, at least know who you're wearing...




I saw these buttons on vetocorleone.com and I'm all for a trendy stuff, but if you're going to wear this stuff, know who and what you're wearing. I bet if you asked, 9 out of 10 would have no clue who Che Guevara was. This is really the fundamental problem with the demographic that was responsible for electing Barack Obama. The younger generations have no intelligent thoughts about politics and government schools don't encourage debate nor do they encourage challenging our Government...well unless it's challenging conservative capitalistic values and/or hating George Bush. Che not only killed people, but was Castro's right hand man and military leader in the revolution over 50 years ago that has broken the Cuban people's spirit, catapulted them into tragic and unforgiving poverty and left them a struggling nation with an unyielding and selfish dictator at the helm. Guevara was also instrumental in bringing the nuclear armed missiles to Cuba from the Soviet Union that exacerbated the Cold War between the US and the Soviet Union in a little known conflict called the Cuban Missile Crisis. Yeah, great guy...so if you're wearing this shirt, you're just an idiot...otherwise, you're a communist.

Vick hating dogs (does not equal) Stallworth hating pedestrians



(Pictured in their dubut appearance on exposedandnaked, Hamlet and Trooper, the most bad ass German hunting dogs to ever live...no joke).

So, Dante Stallworth was sentenced today. Here's his statement and his punishment.

"I accept full responsibility for this horrible tragedy," said Stallworth, who was accompanied at the hearing by his parents, siblings and other supporters. "I will bear this burden for the rest of my life."

Stallworth faced a maximum of 15 years in prison with a minimum of 4 years. He got 30days. After his release from jail, Stallworth must serve two years of house arrest and spend eight years on probation. Stallworth also must undergo drug and alcohol testing, will have a lifetime driver's license suspension and must perform 1,000 hours of community service. Lyons said after five years, Stallworth could win approval for limited driving such as for employment.

The NFL has said it will review the matter for possible disciplinary action. Lyons said the plea agreement will allow Stallworth to resume his football career.


Ok so here's my issue. I give the guy some credit. Since his vehicular homicide aka killing people with your car while hammered at 7:30a.m., he's said and done everything right. In fact, based on most NFL players experiences with the law, he's like Mother Teresa...excet he killed a man. I think he's shown true remorse. I want to believe that he felt he was ok to drive. Nontheless, Stallworth killed 59-year-old father, Mario Reyes, with his Bentley after a night of drinking at a hotel in Miami. Meanwhile, Michael Vick, as abhorrent as his conduct was, participated in behavior that ultimately led to the destruction to several if not many aging dogs. Dogs. Not people. Not a man. Not a father. I, as much as anyone, despise cruelty to animals, especially dogs, but I also can separate killing a human while negligent and inebriated, from killing a dog. I've been saying for years that Vick never got a fair shake. He was the fall guy for the NFL because he was the rich number 1 guy, because there had been so many run-ins with the law and NFL players, and because he had a thuggish kind of swagger that made it diffult for mainstream white Americans to identify with him. Now I don't have to think he was treated unfairly, I know. This is a complete outrage. Both guys were rich, but Stallworth pays off the family and his gets 30 days. Vick pays fines and serves nearly two years. This is simple proof that because Mike Vick was a leader of a dog fighting ring that perhaps earned and exchanged money, money that the Government couldn't get its hands on, he is hit with the book. The moral of this story is you can kill someone while drunk off your ass, but you can't earn money that the Gov't can't get its hands on. America is a mere shell of what it once was. This pisses me off beyond belief.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

OMG



I'm holding on to hope that this, the worst invention of all time, is a joke. Even if it's a joke, I'm disappointed in mankind for thinking of this mockery of human hygiene. How fat does your ass have to be if you need a three foot vibrator to wipe? Honestly, a diet might be the remedy fatty. Not an axe handle. If you're old, just get home assistance. This is NOT the answer. You'll have your $hit smeared halfway up your back if you try to use this nonsense. I'm not going to say anything further. I can hardly find the will to live anymore.

I bet even his dinghy is huge...



Roman Abramovich, a Russian businessman/oil tycoon, is building a yacht that will become the largest privately owned yacht in the world.

To keep the oligarch safe, the Eclipse has a military-grade missile defense system, armour-plating around Abramovich's master suite and bullet-proof windows.
There is also a private submarine, which doubles as an escape pod.

According to industry experts, the Eclipse has been specifically designed to overshadow the world's current largest private yacht, a 525-footer owned by Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, the ruler of Dubai.
Abramovich's new toy is due to be delivered in 2010 and will join the rest of his fleet. None of his ships - the Pelorus (377ft), the Ecstasea ( 282ft) and the Sussurro (161ft) - are insubstantial but the Eclipse will dwarf them all.
The oil magnate, who is the 11th richest man in the world according to Forbes, uses his yachts for very specific purposes.

The project has been shrouded in such secrecy that at one point the shipbuilders would only say that a yacht called Eclipse was being built somewhere in Germany. Needless to say, they would not confirm who had bought it.
But there is little doubt that 40-year-old Abramovich who already owns four luxury vessels, is the proud owner.

This rich Russian asshole is 41 and basically just built a Carnival Cruise Liner just because he wanted to show everyone else sailing on the sea, they're inadequate. Not that 525 feet would be enough, he makes sure that he has a sumbarine escape vessel and a missile defense system, and bulletproof glass. Seriously, a missile defense system? A sub? I like to think of myself as the articulate, witty, handsome dream of every supermodel, but of course, this is me. Everyone can't be me. That said though, I wonder at what point in your life do people stop referring to you as just "the smart guy" or "the smart business man" and begin calling you a tycoon. That word just sounds bad ass. I'm pretty sure I can only recall two tycoons, Carnegie and Rockefeller. Now apparently Abromaikldhgaodhkgnvich is one too. I couldn't pick this guy out of a line up, but I bet when you launch a boat that costs 490 million dollars, you win. Not to mention he also owns an Airbus a380. This guy reportedly lost 13 billion Euros during the financial/oil meltdown, but it hasn't seemed to even phase him. Being that confident through times of strife is what separates a tycoon from the other, run-of-the-mill business people. Similarly, I once lost Park Place and Boardwalk and all four railroads to the bank in an eleven hour game of Monopoly, but like any tycoon would, I perservered and showed my 6 year old nephew who was boss.

Police officers are getting clever...



TUCSON, Ariz. — Drunken Arizona drivers with the late-night munchies may soon be getting more than chicken strips at drive-through windows.

The Pima County Sheriff's Department has a new campaign targeting drunken driving. Operation Would U Like Fries, or Operation WULF, will put undercover deputies inside 24-hour fast-food restaurants to spot impaired drivers placing their orders.

Sgt. Doug Hanna, a DUI unit supervisor, says if deputies notice someone with classic symptoms of impairment — slurred speech, red or watery eyes or beer breath — they will have a uniformed deputy stationed outside pull the driver over.

Holy Crap! Thank goodness this program wasn't implemented from 1996-2000 in Statesboro GA at Georgia Southern University. The Stateboro police could've staked out the Taco Bell on Main Street and arrested 96% of the entire student body. I seriously can't count how many times I woke up my neighbors, Marci and Lindsay, harassed them with slurred words until they got out of bed and drove me to Taco Bell at 2:30 am. I should've just had an ordering template: 2 Bean burritos no onions, Mexican pizza, Taco Supreme, 2 soft tacos, Nachos Bell Grande, and a large Mountain Dew.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Cameron Diaz is like a superhero of uselessness.


Cameron "Supreme Pizza" Diaz said this to some magazine no one reads:

"I think women are afraid to say that they don't want children because they're going to get shunned. But I think that's changing too now. I have more girlfriends who don't have kids than those that do. And honestly? We don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet."

No Cameron, we just don't need any more kids that are as painfully insufferable as you. We don't need spoiled brat actresses that age in dog years. I could find more likable qualities in a hybrid of Joseph Stalin and Ivan the Terrible than I could find in you. Let me translate your comments,

"I have more girlfriends who don't have kids than those that do"
TRANSLATED
I don't have kids, nor can I convince/trick/drug a man into loving me and reproducing with me.

"And honestly, we don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet."
TRANSLATED
Since I can't find someone to love me and give me kids, no one should have them. Besides, those kids over in "the" Africa and "the" Iraq are taking all of my food. I'm rich and Hollywood is low on energy and no one should wear fur, but I likee fur, but you shouldn't wear it...wait what am I supposed to say? I need a break...this commercial is hard work. Where is my personal assistant! That bitch! I need a @ucking water. Jesus! What do you have to do to get a water around here. Look I'll be in my 80ft trailer...this commercial sucks. Call my agent...I need more money for this. Oh yeah...I love Barack Obama. But, like...I hate fur and stuff.

We get it...you're awesome.


In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Mgean Fox, once again fails to speak with one speck of diffidence.

EW: Do you think you're good-looking?

MF: Well, I'm clearly not ugly. (yeah clearly you're perfect) I hate you.

EW: And you've got a lot of confidence.

MF: I think most people are extremely insecure. As far as girls go, I have a really badass personality. I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation. So I'm not afraid to speak, and I think that's what people read as this überconfidence. I have a mouth and I'm not afraid to use it. (Your mouth can't recite a line on paper without sounding like youre autistic).

EW: Women seem to have an issue with you. Do you get that impression?

MF: Sure, for the same reason they didn't like me in high school. I come across as confident and they assume that means that I think I'm hot s---. And that makes them feel bad about themselves and so they hate me. (Yeah I saw your picture and I cut myself because I only hope to be as perfect as you).

Hollywood sucks so bad. Megan Fox thinks she's on the way to becoming a Hollywood Legend. Boy is she wrong. I can't wait for her first role where she speaks. Her bubble is going to burst so fast it will smear her gay tattoos.

BTW, Disney child star, Vanesssa Hugdens just owned you.

Proof Playboy Magazine and Hugh Hefner are barely hanging on to life...



Heidi Montag, as reported by People Magazine, will be featured in the Sept. issue of Playboy Magazine.

Great.

I hope Heidi and her girlfriend Spencer are forced to go around buying these magazines with their money just to get them off the Shelves. Unless you like girls with chicklet horse teeth and terrible breasts, I would cancel my subscription before September.

The most annoying, confusing, non-celebrity in the world is this chick. I've been trying for at least a year and a half to figure out the point of her existence, but it just seems her earthly purpose is as elusive and absent as her pride. This media whore will do and I'm sure has done anything for even the faintest brush with fame. I absolutely despise Al Gore for inventing the internet because I'm forced to know people like this. You know this girl hates herself to the most inner core. She looked half way decent, but because she looked in the mirror and cut herself daily until she felt better, she had to get plastic surgery to fix all of the mistakes God made. Well, you got plastic surgery alright. Her doctor should have his/her license revoked. I could've done a better rhinoplasty and breast enhancement with a bungee cord, hot glue gun, legos and play-doh. She got butchered. It pains me to say it, but she was actually attractive before. Now she looks like Gary Busey with canteloupes. Why do dentists always give you teeth that could cut through a jewelry safe? Nothing about cosmetic surgery is natural. I wonder if L.A. is trying to create that as a status symbol.

LA Girl 1: Ewww gross. Look at that bitch...her dad's so poor, she can't even afford a rhino or boobs.

LA girl 2: OMG! I know right! Like I'm on my third set of boobs. Oh you know what? Daddy told me to go pick out a car for my Super Sweet 13 party. Jonas Bros are playing.

LA Girl 1: OMG!!! Are you serious? That'll be like so fun.

I'm actually starting to question the intelligence of men. Magazines like Playboy and Maxim print issue after issue with boat loads of ads, yet contain not one ounce of entertainment, relevance, or creativity. Subscritions are waaaaay down for both. Seriously, unless you're in high school, are President of the Warcraft Secret Society Georgia Tech Chapter, or leverage your time between dungeons and dragons and PS3, you don't subscribe to these abhorrent magazines. Nothing is cool about Maxim. Nothing is cool about Hugh Hefner. Nothing. In fact, I think he might have died in 1995 and they just keep propping him up at parties like Weekend at Bernie's.

Heather Graham just made my heart explode...



I don't know where Heather Graham has been hiding, but wherever that is, everyone should go there immediately because her secret hiding place is obviously the Foutain of Youth. No joke, if I were within 30 feet of this chick at this premiere, it would take the National Guard and unmanned drones armed with biological weapons to keep me from getting arrested. I haven't seen a hotter picture since Heidi came out of the shower the other night showing me how easily she could bend over and smile with her head between her legs...ok...maybe that didn't happen.

Way to go Jacksonville...


JACKSONVILLE BEACH, Fla. — A rookie police officer was suspended for seven days for running over a woman sunbathing on a north Florida beach.

An internal affairs investigation released Wednesday by the Jacksonville Beach Police Department concluded that Officer Lewis Keller was negligent and at fault for the May 1 accident.

Keller was making a U-turn in his sport utility vehicle when he rolled over 41-year-old Anne Marie Giffin of Jacksonville. Investigators said Keller and another man lifted the SUV off Giffin while other people pulled her out.

Giffin was treated for a broken pelvis and ribs, along with head and spinal injuries.

Most of you haven't lived in this god forsaken place, but if you have, this shouldn't shock you in the least. Letting Amy Fisher and Tonya Harding nanny your kids for 15 years would benefit them more than letting them run amuck in Jacksonville Florida. With the exception of a few, it's the mecca of mediocre education, medicore aspirations, superb criminal records and souped up import cars. If you don't get run over at Jax Beach by a mullet, jean shorts, gator jerseys, or platinum permed hair, you'll get run over by the police...perfect.

P.S. The Modis building looked cool 3,000 years ago. Now it looks like a disco ball at a hip hop party.

Please death...don't miss me the first time.



An Italian woman who arrived late for the Air France plane flight that crashed in the Atlantic last week has been killed in a car accident.

Johanna Ganthaler, a pensioner from Bolzano-Bozen province, had been on holiday in Brazil with her husband Kurt and missed Air France Flight 447 after turning up late at Rio de Janeiro airport on May 31.

All 228 people aboard lost their lives after the plane crashed into the Atlantic four hours into its flight to Paris.

I don't know about you, but I have seen all 3 Final Destinations and until now, I thought they were all fictitious. Apparently not. In fact, not only does death stalk you, it obviously doesn't waste its time. When your number gets called, the clock is ticking. This couln't be more tragic unless it involved Zimbabwe children, lepers, and prolapsed anuses.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The story of a Georgia Tech student's life...


Instead of being targeted toward the urban neighborhoods, this billboard could've been rearranged to encapsulate the entire four years spent on the GT campus by dorky future engineers. The billboard should've read,

"It's my future, I want to have sex...being an engineer can wait."

These poor bastards. Going to GT when you're a graduating male senior seems cool. You're smart, people look up to you, your parents are proud. Although, at almost the instant your parents top the hill waving you goodbye, you realize, "Holy crap, I'm never getting laid." If you're a freshman at GT, you've got better odds at having a chance encounter with an Islamic terrorist (see link http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31204841/ ) than you do at having a chance encounter with a hot girl willing to have sex with you. Seriously, dude...unless you're entering into nuclear science, bioengineering, or petroleum engineering, and even then you're not getting laid, you're just rich, consider another school. You know what, nevermind...if you're considering those majors or anything of the sort, getting laid is not a concern of yours...nor should it be. In fact, if you're a male at GT that's not an athlete, or more specifically, one named Marbury, Harpring, C. Johnson, Brooking, this post is almost 100% completely a moot point. Your best bet would be to befriend another dude getting laid at UGA or GSU...maybe he can share some stories with you. I doubt he will, but maybe...just maybe...if you play your matrix just right.

Zimbabwe is the new Vegas


HARARE — Child rape has increased by more than 40 percent in Zimbabwe, the according to official police statistics released yesterday.

More than 40,000 cases of rape are reported countrywide every year but care groups say the real incidence is many times higher because most go unreported.

Girl Child Network (GCN) executive director Betty Makoni said one reason rape has increased is because of a common belief, promoted by many traditional healers, among HIV-positive men that sexual intercourse with virgins is a cure for AIDS.

The fact that the majority of girls raped fall in the nine to sixteen age range seems to support this belief. The youngest rape victim reported last year in 2005 was three days old.


Despite the 231,000,000% inflation rate, Zimbabwe solidifies itself as at least the fifth worst place to live in the world...preceeded by Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, and North Korea. One dollar gets you $31,410,030 Zimbabwe. No joke. When that's then case, you've either elected Barack Obama 4 years prior, or you live in Zimbabwe. It's like post WWII Germany where a suitcase full of money bought you a loaf of bread. Thanks to idiots in Zimbabwe and Barack Obama, that's the epitome of hyperinflation. (side note) we better get used to it. Nothing about this story is funny though, so I won't steer it there, but raping a 3 day old child because you have AIDS and you think its virginity will cure it makes me really depressed about the future of humanity in general. I know most would say you can attribute this solely to culture, education, or lack thereof, but I just can't accept that. Raping a three day old child is an intuitive abhorrent act of violence. I just can't believe that you need to know how to read or write or be taught that the rape of an infant is wrong. It's simply inexcusable. It's taken me quite a while to construct this post because I've been so disturbed by these statistics; nonetheless, since I've saved the 50 cent toll on GA400 to and from this week, I figure that gives me $5.00 US...or $187,283,885 Zimbabwe, so I'm thinking of buying the country and building casinos.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

David Letterman is like 2009's Arsenio Hall


David Letterman used to be the Maverick of late night talk shows. He was the most witty, the most daring, and the most entertaining. Johnny Carson passed up Dave to be his successor and now I know why. Dave Letterman has become, or perhaps always was, a self absorbed, arrogant prick. Yeah, I agree his dry sense of humor is smart and maybe once upon a time, fresh, but now, he's turned into a bitter self entitled old geezer that thrusts his political agenda down the throat of America. I can hardly stand to watch Conan's epileptic, idiot hair laden intro, nor can I stand Jay's sell out from hard core dirty comedy routine to mainstream PG America. That being said, Letterman has taken the cake of obnoxious asswipes.

Letterman, in a monologue Monday, exposed his political agenda and his senility.

He noted that the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate attended a Yankees game during a trip to New York City, where she was honored by a special needs group. Letterman referred to Palin, Alaska's governor, as having the style of a "slutty flight attendant."

The "Late Show" host then took a shot Palin's daughter, while poking fun at the Yankees' third baseman.

“One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game," Letterman said, "during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.”

Letterman, you've jumped the shark. I will never watch your show again and allow you to force your ideologies down my throat. Besides, just in case Alzheimer's is contagious through television, I'll stay away for that reason too. You senile jackass.

Late night, in my opinion, is dominated by Craig Furgeson. It's not even close.

Monday, June 8, 2009

In war, there are no unwounded soldiers. ~José Narosky


A crater filled land reflects the horror of D-Day 65 years later




This post is in honor of those heroes that stormed the beaches of Normandy France without fear or reluctance. I feel we easily forget about veterans the hell they live, but this is a celebration of their patriotism and bravery. Around the world America is portrayed as a nation that forces our policies down the throat of other nations, but that day, those men fought to protect a nation that has historically turned their back against us. Against every odd, those brave men stormed a beach, charged an enemy waiting and prepared to destroy them. The hell that those men faced that day will hopefully never be seen again on the battlefield. Nazism was defeated because the veterans of D-Day stared death in the face as they charged a hill into uncertainty. This post is dedicated to those men that potected freedom in 1944 on those beaches in northern France. It's dedicated to the men and women across the world today fighting a faceless and cowardly enemy in the war against radical Islam. God Bless America.

A prayer for your safe return
God Speed

It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you. ~Dick Cheney

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. ~Elmer Davis

It is the east and Lohan is the sun...


Did my heart love till now?
Forswear it sight,
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.

Shakespeare--Romeo and Juliet

Lindsay Lohan is a like Aphrodite and Venus all wrapped into one earthly creature. Containing yourself in the same room as this butterfly would be efforts of futility. I have never seen someone move with the effortless grace, speak with an intoxicating harmony, and present themselves with such perfection and class. Lohan is like the Sirens of Circes Island. If you walk into a club and your eyes lock, the only way to not become a victim of her Spray Tan Tractor Beam would be to put wax in your ears, funnel Jager and pray for an 9.5 earthquake. In all seriousness, I know that the paparrazi can "catch" you looking less than perfect, but this...this is just a trainwreck of epic proportions. If you're famous and your spray tan is sloughing off like the skin of a burn unit patient, exfoliate or reapply. This broad looks like a mix between Meg Ryan in When a Man Loves a Woman and Ernie from Sesame Street. She's like a walking...I mean stumbling, talking...I mean slurring caricature of herself. Just when I thought no one on earth could make Britney Spears look sane and responsible, Lindsay Lohan was born and started drinking. If Lindsay Lohan were my daughter, I would cut off my penis with pinking shears just to ensure that by some accidental mishap I didn't procreate again.

Who besides me would use this toilet?




This is an art exhibit in some city that makes me laugh. I just picture people inside worried sick that they're being watched dropping off the kids. Personally, I would go to this city just to go to this bathroom. I would be inside flexing, doing hip thrusts, and flipping people off. This is basically awesome.

Did I just hear that?



This is so painfully absurd, I can hardly believe my ears. "Reagan was all about America. We are above that now." WTF are you talking about? Is this guy serious? This is one of the most painfully ignorant remarks that have ever been uttered. I really don't know who this guy is, but what I do know is that he has a gay crush on Barack Obama. I truly don't know how Barack Obama has so much time to spend our heard earned money when he's so busy standing above the country, above the world, as our God. It's funny, when I voted last November, I don't remember seeing on my ballot:

John McCain (R)
God (D)

The media bias has reached a point where it simply makes me ill. We've reached a time when the blogs are a more accurate source of information than your main news outlets. I keep watching this video because it's so damn funny. This guy is so in love with liberalism and Barack Obama he's about to mess his pants. My favorite part is when dipshit says Obama is sort of God, either the guy off camera with no testosterone, or the girl with a high pitch voice nearly pisses herself agreeing with this idiocy and blasphemy.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I'm not so sure this is a good idea...




"I have come here to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world, one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect," he said. "America and Islam are not exclusive, and need not be in competition."

Well Mr President, I'm all for a new beginning. I'm all for a mutual respect and veneration for for all religions around the world. It's just that the discord with Muslim countries around the world hasn't been one of harmony, fairness, veneration. You're absolutely right, we don't need religious competition. We don't need exclusivity. What we need is an absence in blinded hate, an absence of bred intolerance, and a thirst to kill those infidels who believe a in different God. I'm not sure reciting a few lines from the Koran, using your Muslim middle name during your international introductions, and declaring the United States a Muslim country is going to ameliorate the hatred that is deep seeded in the minds and hearts of people across the world. I believe that Americans are willing to accept and start again with a peaceful and God-fearing Islam, but extremists' heinous acts are hard to forgive and I'm not sure that the peaceful populous is strong enough to set precedence. An abused dog will only come back to you so many times.

Will Ferrell will get his ass kicked this weekend...



I just sat through the funniest movie of the year without question. The Hangover, to me, as I watched the trailers, didn't seem all too promising, but boy was I dead wrong. I haven't seen a funnier movie since Wedding Crasers or Dumb and Dumber. If you mixed Wedding Crashers, Very Bad Tings, Bachelor Party, and Swingers, you've got The Hangover. If you're a guy, you should die if you don't see this in the theater. Honestly, this comedy was a perfect storm of crude sexuality, frat pack humor, a token fat guy, Vegas, drinking, strippers/hookers, weddings, bad decisions, and most importantly, Heather Grahams/Mercedes' bare breasts. My bet is that this will be by far the largest grossing comedy of the year.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

My mammary isn't as good as it used to be...


Everytime I see Heather Graham, I'm immediately thrust back into the time when the Corey's were famous. A time when shooting your jeans with a shotgun was awesome and the girl on the car in the Whitesnake video wasn't fat or schizophrenic. I remember The Lost Boys, Slip-n-Slides, banana clips, vision street wear, Ocean Pacific, and neon homemade bracelets. Although above all else going on in my pathetic adolescent life, when the goddess, Heather Graham, appeared to me as a gift from God in License to Drive, all other dreams girls sans Alyssa Milano, were on the backburner. I made it my lifelong ambition to date a girl named Mercedes. Sadly, and not, that never happened. All that said, over the years Heather Graham has struggled like a midget on tall day to find parts in Hollywood largely because she has no talent, but partly because she doesn't wear outfits like this that accentuate her "eyes" more often. If I were her agent, I would insist that her pathway to super stardom would be paved with gold if, and only if, she change her name to Mercedes and starred in License to Drive 2: My Daughter Porsche learns to drive...rated NC-17.

Denise, Orange you the girl from Wild Things?



People in Hollyweird are so useless to humankind that it hurts my soul. I swear, if you're a girl with fake cans, a pretty face, and you're willing to ride in a director's pole rodeo for 8 seconds, then you're going to be famous. I guess it's no different than it used to be; afterall, Marilyn Monroe pounced everyone in Hollywood to get to where she was...so "they" say. What kills me though is that every one of these girls have been given everything their whole lives by people telling them how beautiful they are, yet their self esteeems are so critically low they can't open their mouths without putting something in it, or dropping their tops. Denise Richards is the Megan Fox of the 1990's. One movie made her a sex symbol (Wild Things), yet she "acts" like she's an auditioning for Rain Man 2. You couldn't find talent with the Hubble telescope in either of these girls, but they're considered hot, so Hollyweird loves them. It's just a matter of time when you have no talent...you'll always be exposed...just ask Marilyn...oh wait.

Dad, go find your own.





Pamela Rogers, Debra Lafave, and the new one, a music teacher(bottom picture), are a managerie of so-called pedophiles that have been arrested for having sex with their students. In these cases, the so-called "victims" were all boys at or above the age of 13. If you're a 13 year old boy and your father blows the whistle on you when you slamming one of these hot teachers, either he's jealous, or he's gay. Either way, he's ensuring you won't be on the receiving end of something like this again for another 10 years, four relocations, and 23,000 in shrink fees later. I swear I would emancipate myself from my parents if they pulled the proverbial plug on me and Pamela Rogers (top picture) if I were 13-16. To say that a hot girl and a teenage boy is rape, is like saying the lottery is gambling or teaching abstinence works. The semantics of this is this simple. If she's fat and ugly, it's rape. If she looks like the girls above, you win. Big.

Cut her a break guys...




Melissa Joan Hart was overheard off-camera at KTLA in Los Angeles on Friday saying how she’d been hoping last week that cancer-stricken Farrah Fawcett wouldn’t die — and thus bump Hart off the cover of People magazine.

Really I don't seen the big deal here. I looked at the picture of the sumo wrestler in a fat suit on the cover of People posing as Melissa Joan Hart and I couldn't help but get hungry. It was like a trance. My eyes got big and I just started saying over and over..."I have to eat more food. I have to eat more food." If I were scheduled to be on the cover of People weighing a metric ton in low gravity, I would force feed chemotherapy and Flinstone vitamins to Farrah Fawcett if I thought it would keep me off the cover looking like this. Digging up Marilyn Monroe and going to dinner and drinks at Chateau Marmont sounds like more of a good date than one with this overeating Hippo. Melissa Joan Hart haan't starred in anything noteworthy in 2,000 years, but thank God, she's focusing on her eating disorder and opening an ice cream and candy shop

How you doin'?


If you're dead to me, then you probably haven't seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If you have seen that masterpiece of American comedy, then there's no doubt you're as in love with this Ukranian as I. Megan Fox's freckled, premature aging, tattooed body will look like elephant skin disguised with Botox in 10 years when she's playing in B or soft core movies on Skinemax still trying to make a living in Hollywood. Now I'm not saying that Mila Kunis is going to be an Oscar winner, but she will be hot, which is more than I can say for Megan's Narcissus Fox. The point is this...I would swim 300 yards underwater through a colloid of liposuction fat and mayonaise while being shot at by Macaulay Culkin for a chance encounter in a Kiev coffee shop with Mila Kunis.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Sir, I love your bikini...


I barely know who this chick is, but I know how to spell Winstrol and that's what she injects. When you go from birthing a baby to chiseling your abs out of stone, you know you're on the Brady Anderson program. After all he never hit more than 24 homeruns and he hit 50 in 1996...winstrol? Yeah...he and Mel B.

I rest my case pt. 3



I could try to pad this picture with witty commentary, but since every other blog in North America is completely infatuated with this chick, I would probably wake up with my website hacked and shut down with my dogs poisoned. The obsession with Megan Fox is like a brush fire. She's only hot because, based on the consensus, you're expected to think so. I can't provide anymore metaphors to equate my discontent for this overrated dipshit with heinous tattoos.

Monday, June 1, 2009

I rest my case pt. 2



If anyone wants to try to convince me that this is the best Hollywood has to offer, I will gladly give you directions to my house so you can challenge me to a duel to the death. Frankly, I've seen hotter girls at my grandmother's assisted living facility.