Maxim Magazine has their finger on the pulse of the American Man.

Nothing on earth, besides Beyonce, Tyra Banks, Sean Hannity, and Meryl Streep, annoys me more than Maxim magazine. Actually, it's any mens magazine for that matter. How out-of-touch can you be with your target audience. It's almost like the editors of mens magazines are getting consulted by the Republican Party because neither have a clue to whom they're marketing. I don't have one ounce of homophobia, but I'm pretty sure every editor for Maxim, Playboy, Esquire, FHM, GQ are gay. It doesn't matter to me because I don't buy those stupid magazines anyway. But if I did, I certainly wouldn't have Katy Perry at the top of 2010's Maxim's Hot 100 List. That's just re-damn-diculous. She's not the best looking girl at a drag show. Case in Point:

Katy Perry-->#1
Alessandra Ambrosio-->#63

Katy Perry-->#1
Kelly Brook-->#89

Katy Perry-->#1
Marissa Miller-->#10

Katy Perry-->#1
Blake Lively-->#4

Are those numbers jokes? Does higher numbers mean a better score? Is this a golf or bowling hotness score? There's no way you can convince me that these magazines are trying to move copies, let alone, sell to men. I wouldn't purchase Maxim Magazine if you held a gun to my head while you fed my dog an anti-freeze smoothie. These people are so clueless they couldn't sell sexual fantasy unless it's wrapped in size 14 high heels, Adam's apples, and dancing to Reba's Fancy or anything by Cher. It's not that I care, just don't hand me an apple and tell me it's a pear. That's insulting. Also, that's why you can't sell magazines.

The Hills are a lock for an Emmy sweep.

For all I know, the Hills could be a show on Discovery HD about the dangers of breastfeeding, but let me say if this is what you get by tuning in, I'm a fan. I would follow her "Tweets" into Dante's 9 levels of Hell. I actually hate myself for liking her because she adheres to everything I despise in "so-called" stars. She's essentially been famous for being famous. Now, however, she's famous because she turns what would be a "6" bikini picture, into a rocket "10" Annie Lebowitz. I know she's got a fake rack...let's don't get lost in the details ladies. TomAto, Tomahto.

Proof Playboy Magazine and Hugh Hefner are barely hanging on to life...

Heidi Montag, as reported by People Magazine, will be featured in the Sept. issue of Playboy Magazine.

Great.

I hope Heidi and her girlfriend Spencer are forced to go around buying these magazines with their money just to get them off the Shelves. Unless you like girls with chicklet horse teeth and terrible breasts, I would cancel my subscription before September.

The most annoying, confusing, non-celebrity in the world is this chick. I've been trying for at least a year and a half to figure out the point of her existence, but it just seems her earthly purpose is as elusive and absent as her pride. This media whore will do and I'm sure has done anything for even the faintest brush with fame. I absolutely despise Al Gore for inventing the internet because I'm forced to know people like this. You know this girl hates herself to the most inner core. She looked half way decent, but because she looked in the mirror and cut herself daily until she felt better, she had to get plastic surgery to fix all of the mistakes God made. Well, you got plastic surgery alright. Her doctor should have his/her license revoked. I could've done a better rhinoplasty and breast enhancement with a bungee cord, hot glue gun, legos and play-doh. She got butchered. It pains me to say it, but she was actually attractive before. Now she looks like Gary Busey with canteloupes. Why do dentists always give you teeth that could cut through a jewelry safe? Nothing about cosmetic surgery is natural. I wonder if L.A. is trying to create that as a status symbol.

LA Girl 1: Ewww gross. Look at that bitch...her dad's so poor, she can't even afford a rhino or boobs.

LA girl 2: OMG! I know right! Like I'm on my third set of boobs. Oh you know what? Daddy told me to go pick out a car for my Super Sweet 13 party. Jonas Bros are playing.

LA Girl 1: OMG!!! Are you serious? That'll be like so fun.

I'm actually starting to question the intelligence of men. Magazines like Playboy and Maxim print issue after issue with boat loads of ads, yet contain not one ounce of entertainment, relevance, or creativity. Subscritions are waaaaay down for both. Seriously, unless you're in high school, are President of the Warcraft Secret Society Georgia Tech Chapter, or leverage your time between dungeons and dragons and PS3, you don't subscribe to these abhorrent magazines. Nothing is cool about Maxim. Nothing is cool about Hugh Hefner. Nothing. In fact, I think he might have died in 1995 and they just keep propping him up at parties like Weekend at Bernie's.