So, it appears Coachella is upon us again. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a dress up party for celebrities to pretend they're poor, smelly hippies. If you want to know the one place more dreadful for me than being behind a velvet rope in some lame ass club buying 500.00 bottles of shitty vodka poured into a Grey Goose bottle and calling that VIP, it's Coachella. If you want to see me wilt like Superman wrapped in chains of Kryptonite, buy me a full access pass to this herpes fest.
Yeah, I've yet to have a Hollywood identity, but I can throw an awesome "I don't care" sign to the Paparazzi. Couple that with my skinny jeans pulled gangsta-low and my leather jacket and no one will F with me. I love mixing three different stereotypes together because it makes me more badass and mysterious. So what if I'm Jewish and from the Upper East Side. Hey, where's the beer tent? I'm so wasted.
Yeah, I'm Vanessa Hudgens, I'm such a hippie. My flower headband and general carefree attitude should give it away, but if not, maybe my Urban Outfitters Hippie Starter Kit will do the trick. I love pretending to be too poor for shoes. Coachella is so trippy!
Yeah, I'm Josh Duhamel, I'm so grunge and anti-establishment. Because nothing screams grunge and bad ass like hanging with friends that shadow golf at Coachella. #Killme #Douche #rufkm
I'm Paris Hilton. Like my pitifully less wealthy friend, Vanessa Hudgens, I associate headbands with being a hippie. Please don't pay attention to my Versace dress or my 4K purse, or my WONK eye that some Bev Hills Plastic Surgeon butchered, I'm like totally a Rodeo Drive Flower Child. 
I don't know my name. Frankly, I'm still shocked chicks want to sleep with me. After all, the only thing of substance on my resume is Superbad. Oh well, I'll keep being the Screech 2.0 as long as I can get hot ass. God, I love Hollywood. 
I'm Elijah Wood. I didn't get the memo about this being a homeless retreat. I only came because I heard Josh Duhamel was here.
1 comment:
Ugh... Why is it cool to suddenly heart the earth to the point of obsession ( I cancelled our recycling service today, so know I am evil.) go barefoot in public (gasp), and smell like a taxi driver? No wonder the world needs match.com! I hate hollywood, mostly because im not famous. Yet! Please let all these foolish trolls know that bee keeping kits are currently available at Williams sonoma for an overpriced bargain. Just like with every hipster wanna-be Louis toting (ps.. I have a new bag and it's ultra fab.. Be super jeal all of you!). Edina housewife, these losers will be raising bees and chickens this summer. Remind me to stock up on yard guard... As my very own pool is opening tomorrow (my parents has been open for weeks) and I am allergic to bees! Oh, and I can buy free range chicken at whole foods w/ the other duped individuals... Of which I'm proud to be one!
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