Monday, May 31, 2010

Reasons South African World Cup will be a disaster.



1. Muslims.
Islamic extremists will be frothing at their mouths with so many infidels gathered in such close quarters. Obviously, South Africa is unable to thwart an attack.

2. HIV
11% of all South Africans are infected with HIV/AIDS. If I were going, which I wouldn't, but if I were, but there's no chance in hell, I would wear one of those full body condoms from Naked Gun

3. Xenophobia
"The word is that criminals want to make cash to spend during the World Cup. This is their chance. The attacks are picking up. Things are getting worse," he said. Foreign shopkeepers, most of them Somalis and Bangladeshis, have been murdered in their hundreds in South Africa over the past 10 years. In Eastern Cape, the Daily Dispatch has written amazing exposés about the fear in which foreigners live. I have heard young men talk about how vulnerable the foreigners are. Because many of them are in the country illegally, they do not have the paperwork to open bank accounts, the thugs reason. That means that they have a lot of cash on the premises. They are unarmed and the community around them is too scared to come out and help them." The thugs attack them because they are thought to have cash and because they are foreigners.
WOW....this sounds fun for innocent soccer fans!

4. Rape
According to a survey for the period 1998–2000 compiled by the United Nations, South Africa was ranked first for rapes per capita. One in three of the 4,000 women questioned by the Community of Information, Empowerment and Transparency said they had been raped in the past year. More than 25 per cent of South African men questioned in a survey published by the Medical Research Council (MRC) in June 2009 admitted to raping someone; of those, nearly half said they had raped more than one person. Three out of four who admitted rape attacked for the first time during their teens.
South Africa has the highest incidences of child and baby rape in the world.

5. Racism
Nearly a decade and half after the end of apartheid, South Africans are beginning to face up to the fact that they have a present problem with racism in that country. This is not to say that most regular citizens of South Africa have not always been aware that they have a problem with racism.
What has brought the problem to the fore this time is a series of racial incidents that followed one on the heel of the other in February. One of the incidents is a racist video shot and distributed by some white students of the University of the Free State. The video showed the students’ ritualized humiliation of four black laborers employed by the university, including allegedly secretly urinating in food that laborers had to eat.

This should be an awesome World Cup.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

It was just a matter of time...

About three years ago, Tom Cruise lost his mind on Oprah's couch. It was almost career suicide. Almost. Well he's back. Tom Cruise is simply one of those people that have "it". Even when you want to hate him, you can't. His new movie with Cameron Diaz will be a smash hit. HUGE. Until then though, he's gonna spend some time reprising his role as Les Grossman, from Tropic Thunder for the MTV movie awards. If you don't think this character is brilliant, you're a pitiful excuse for a human being.



Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Steve Blake, I mean Robby Bostain, wins a championship



Robby Bostain, the taller, less predatory less lion-like brother of Chris Bostain, I think, according to the video at least, won a championship somewhere in Europe. The crowd is wicked excited, but unless you're one of the 7 people in the world that still speak Dutch, I can't understand a damn word this play-by-play guy is saying. Props to Robby though, despite what he's listed at (cough) 6'6", his realistic 6'4" seemed to rise into the rafters on that dunk. WHAT?!? NO?!?! Ok...maybe not in the rafters, but that's two dunks any way you slice em. Congrats to Robby and the rest of the Gasterra Flames for a great season. I'll leave you all with a little advice, though. Save your money. No seriously. SAVE. YOUR. MONEY. When playing ball tax free is over, Obama will take your money before you get through customs.

Less fortunate?


Please someone, tell me what less fortunate means.


Great pick...for a Socialist.


In a June 2009 interview in Biotechnology Healthcare, Berwick was asked: "Critics of CER (Comparative Effectiveness Research) have said that it will lead to rationing of health care."

He answered: "We can make a sensible social decision and say, 'Well, at this point, to have access to a particular additional benefit [new drug or medical intervention] is so expensive that our taxpayers have better use for those funds.' We make those decisions all the time. The decision is not whether or not we will ration care--the decision is whether we will ration with our eyes open."

In the same interview, he also said, “The social budget is limited—we have a limited resource pool. It makes terribly good sense to at least know the price of an added benefit, and at some point we might say nationally, regionally, or locally that we wish we could afford it, but we can’t.”

Berwick also talked about his romantic view of Britain’s socialized health care system on page 213 of a report he wrote entitled, “A Transatlantic Review of the NHS at 60,” published on July 26, 2008.

“Cynics beware: I am romantic about the National Health Service; I love it,” Berwick wrote. “All I need to do to rediscover the romance is to look at health care in my own country.”

In the same article, he wrote, “The NHS is one of the astounding human endeavors of modern times. … It’s easier in the United States because we do not promise health care as a human right.”

He further wrote, “Any health care funding plan that is just, equitable, civilized, and humane must – must – redistribute wealth from the richer among us to the poorer and less fortunate.”

FACT: Nat'l Health Service is a failure
FACT: Private clinics are growing rapidly all across England to help meet growing demand for quality health care.
You see, national Health Service is 60 years old this year. It's bankrupting England, but you don't have to take my word for it:

Express and Star
Sad tales of NHS failure
Thursday 3rd July 2008, 10:45AM BST.

This bright and fantastic initiative to allow everyone access to free treatment was, of course, brilliant and necessary in it’s infancy but 60 years down the line and the NHS is seriously over burdened, under-funded and riddled with problems----

My mother and myself have had nothing but a complete catalogue of errors because it seems very much to me that unless you go to the doctors/hospital with something obvious and are a man, no one takes you very seriously.

I went back and forth from doctors and various hospitals between the ages of 5 to 24 with a painful urinary complaint which I had suffered with from birth. The mistreatment, misdiagnoses, horribly rude consultants and errors experienced during those years would fill several blogs!

I decided that I had experienced enough and it was better to just suffer alone than continue with the NHS so I didn’t see a doctor about my problems again for 6 years. The pain has become increasingly difficult to manage of late and my husband persuaded me to try again this year and after a six-year wait I was full of hope that things may have improved.
I was so wrong.

After waiting six years, the consultant spent four minutes with me at my first appointment and was so abrupt I left the room and sobbed.

I returned for my second appointment and waited over an hour while the consultant saw everyone else in the waiting room. When I was the only person remaining, he left the consulting room, walked through the waiting room and disappeared.

My husband and I presumed that he had just gone for a quick break but the registrar called us through and explained he had been called to an emergency.

Rationing---Check
Doctor Shortage---Check
Increase Health Care Costs---Check
Complete and total Government dependence---Check

America is watching our President select, one after another, Socialists to run our country into the ground. If you're not furious after that story, which is one of thousands in Europe, please do me a favor and move there. For hundreds of years the world has aspired to be as great as America. Countries have grown and dissolved trying to prove our capitalistic republic wrong. Now we're lucky enough to have a President join in the demagoguery. Empires like the United Soviet Socialist Republic left their people devastated in poverty by adhering to the idea of income redistribution and socialistic programs. Communism doesn't work. Socialism doesn't work. Fascism doesn't work. History is the only indicator of the future and Europe has spent the last 20 years digging themselves out of the suffocating wake of socialism governments. All over Europe countries are moving to a more fiscally conservative, individualistic government, while America is doing the complete opposite. Supporting wealth redistribution is admitting to individual weakness, laziness, and failure. Opportunity is awarded to everyone. That's the founding principles of this great nation. The incentive for success is being wiped away one progressive czar at a time. November elections will be a reckoning, but I'm afraid it's too little too late. Health care reform will cripple this country, but rest assured, Obama and his Socialism goons will do it first.

Monday, May 24, 2010

How you know God has a sense of humor...




Audrina Patridge is just one of the many chicks that defy the laws of celebrity. She has no talent, she basically has no job, and she is an epic butterface. Even though my friend Chris would characterize this as, "Smoke", I'm pretty sure this is why the term butter face was brought about. I guess her face isn't awful, it's just her body is sooo good, her face pales in comparison. She better enjoy it while it lasts because in two years, instead of getting paid for guest spots at Palms Hotel and Casino, she'll be forced to show her breasts for entrance into The Golden Nugget senior pool. I'm angry she's been famous this long. I see hotter girls three times a week, minimum.

Can it really keep getting better...



This cat was sent to the clink for child molestation and being in the country illegally. Don't let the democrats hear about this one though; After all, immigration laws are meant to be broken.

People Never Cease to Amaze Me...



MAY 19--Meet Joshua Dawson. The Arkansas man, 24, last week allegedly arranged what he thought was going to be a sexual liaison with a 13-year-old girl he had met on the Internet. During an online chat (Dawson's Yahoo handle is 'biggoo76'), he "exposed himself using a web cam and offered sex" to, of course, an undercover officer with the Mayflower Police Department, according to investigators. After arranging to meet the girl, Dawson stopped at a Walmart to purchase condoms. When he arrived at the meeting location, Dawson was arrested by cops, who found the condoms and Google driving instructions to the meet-up spot in his vehicle. They also discovered that Dawson has the worst taste in message t-shirts (especially for someone plotting sex with a minor). Dawson was named in a May 14 felony information charging him with Internet stalking of a child.

No that being a pedophile isn't creepy enough, but wearing a shirt like this upon your arrest is beyond words. It's almost so ballsy, it's funny. This guy will leave prison with his anus being 9X's larger than the day he arrived.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

May 20th is Draw Muhammad day!!!



Don't draw Muhammad because some 20 something middle class middle eastern man will track you down and do his best to kill you...but don't profile. I'm 5'10 205 lbs of twisted steel with blonde hair and I'm quite sure people that put bombs in cars in Times Square, fly planes into buildings, and sneak bombs into their shoes don't look like me. In fact, they look a lot like this. Islam is about as peaceful as hungry genital crabs. The fact that our country apologizes for a religion that despises "Infidels" and everything else we stand for is disgraceful. On second thought, draw Muhammad...and make him eat pork.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

14:57, 14:58, 14:59, DING!


Like I've been saying for at least a year, Megan Fox's insufferable behavior has finally been reigned in by someone. When I say reigned in, I mean fired and when I say someone, I mean the only man responsible for making her famous, Michael Bay. Megan Fox is attractive, but there's thousands of hotter girls in Hollywood willing to do ANYTHING for a chance at Michael Bay blockbusters...and by the way, they're undoubtedly infinitely more talented than this dumbass. She's horrible. Her career is O.V.A. Jennifer's Body, despite massive promo, was an absolute box office embarrassment. Yet instead of promoting her failing movie, Fox continued slamming Bay for his "Hitler-Like" directing style on the set of Transformers during her press junkets. Directors and studios really love that btw. When you're so self absorbed and clueless that you spend another studio's money to consistently talk about the movie you just wrapped and made like a gazillion dollars. I guess it doesn't matter. The point of this post was essentially for no other reason other than, "I told you so." Megan Fox sucks so bad she makes my eyes and ears bleed. I would rather join the Taliban insurgency than spend one day filming a movie with this bimbo. RIP Megan Fox.

Fast Forward 6 Months...who's career will be less significant? Megan Fox or Lindsay Lohan? Inquiring minds want to know.

Kelly Brook caught deciding whether my face is an adequate seat for her




I'm not sure what it is, but British women are so hot they'll make you sacrifice babies. I guess Elizabeth Hurley led the way in the 90's, but her hotness has been dwarfed by girls like Kate Beckinsale, Cheryl Cole, Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna, Abigail Clancy, Keira Knightley, Billie Piper, Danielle Lloyd, Jennifer Ellison, Sienna Miller, Gemma Atkinson, and Keeley Hazell.

Anyway, here is Kelly Brook doing what she does best...punishing me by her insane hotness and natural ability to wear lingerie like no one else in the world.

You're hot...wait, who are you again?






Amanda Seyfried has been in big movies for a while now. I just realized like three weeks ago, she was in Mean Girls. I mean, that was made so long ago, Lindsay Lohan was famous. My point is this: who in the hell is Amanda Seyfried? I'm not sure who she is, but I'm quite sure why she's famous. You see, there's something very marketable about young, vivacious, blonde chicks that have no reservations about taking off their clothes "for the right role" or if it "develops the character". To further my point, two movies ago no one besides her mother even knew this chick's name. That all changed though in Jennifer's Body, where she created a stir by kissing Megan Fox. Then, Amanda threw caution to the wind and starred in Chloe, opposite Julianne Moore, with whom she had a myriad of steamy nudity-filled sex scene. It's not that she's all that hot. Sure, she's attractive, but what young twenty something in Hollywood isn't. She's barely above average if you really 1-10 her. The point is she took her clothes off and got famous. Really Famous. She's basically like the "IT" girl now. She's got scripts flying at her left and right. That's Hollywood for you. It's not that this is the first time nudity brought chicks to the promised land of the Silver Screen: Halle Berry in Monster's Ball, Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love, Kate Winslet in, well, every movie, but you get my point. Hollywood is very easy to figure out if you're a young attractive female. Get naked=Get Roles. Sexist...yes. Unfair...maybe. Being young and attractive and taking your clothes off is the male equivalent of playing the mentally challenged and earning critical acclaim: Tom Hanks=Forrest Gump, Sean Penn=I am Sam, Daniel Day Lewis=My Left Foot, Dustin Hoffman=Rain Man, Leo DiCaprio=Gilbert Grape, Russell Crowe=A Beautiful Mind. Call me insensitive or crazy, but you can't call me a liar. Ironically, a group of liberal elitists that pride themselves on social acceptance for all people are the single most exploitative group on the planet. If you're gonna charge me 12.00 per movie, you better at least give me something exciting. Hey, at least I'm honest about wanting to see girls take their clothes off.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

My life is complete.

Starlight Entertainment has hit the home run of home runs by hiring this guy. I would bet three grand he's either from the Jersey Shore or Philadelphia. Then again, he could be the lead singer of the band from Old School and The Hangover. The acute transition from "The Conga Line," to "In the Air Tonight" is simply brilliant. If you don't watch this video at least 5 times, I hate you.

He's better than anyone on AI right now.



If this kid is even interested, he'll get more ass than a toilet seat.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Maxim Magazine has their finger on the pulse of the American Man.


Nothing on earth, besides Beyonce, Tyra Banks, Sean Hannity, and Meryl Streep, annoys me more than Maxim magazine. Actually, it's any mens magazine for that matter. How out-of-touch can you be with your target audience. It's almost like the editors of mens magazines are getting consulted by the Republican Party because neither have a clue to whom they're marketing. I don't have one ounce of homophobia, but I'm pretty sure every editor for Maxim, Playboy, Esquire, FHM, GQ are gay. It doesn't matter to me because I don't buy those stupid magazines anyway. But if I did, I certainly wouldn't have Katy Perry at the top of 2010's Maxim's Hot 100 List. That's just re-damn-diculous. She's not the best looking girl at a drag show. Case in Point:

Katy Perry-->#1
Alessandra Ambrosio-->#63

Katy Perry-->#1
Kelly Brook-->#89

Katy Perry-->#1
Marissa Miller-->#10

Katy Perry-->#1
Blake Lively-->#4

Are those numbers jokes? Does higher numbers mean a better score? Is this a golf or bowling hotness score? There's no way you can convince me that these magazines are trying to move copies, let alone, sell to men. I wouldn't purchase Maxim Magazine if you held a gun to my head while you fed my dog an anti-freeze smoothie. These people are so clueless they couldn't sell sexual fantasy unless it's wrapped in size 14 high heels, Adam's apples, and dancing to Reba's Fancy or anything by Cher. It's not that I care, just don't hand me an apple and tell me it's a pear. That's insulting. Also, that's why you can't sell magazines.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Somebody been eatin' deep fried pasta cake

In 2007, Elisha Cuthbert played a porn star in Girl Next Door, where she moves in next door to a dorky high school kid and falls in love with him. Most importantly, in 2007 she looked like this:

and like this:


As you can tell from the picture below, Elisha must have moved because the girl living next door now is fat. I just don't get girls in Hollywood. Basically, the only thing they have to do is exercise, eat right and continue to look good and they guarantee themselves tons of money. That must be harder than kicking black-tar heroin because it seems every female celebrity becomes a sea donkey at some point. Elisha, lay off the carbs.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Jennifer Anniston is an effortless beauty



Jennifer Anniston should wake up every day and thank her lucky stars that Brad Pitt got drunk one night and decided to love her. If it weren't for him, she would be David Schwimmer or Matt LeBlanc. It's no wonder she can't get over him and orchestrates herself to cover magazines that he might read like, Architectural Digest. Remove her rhinoplasty and she's this: (UH OH).

Ch...Ch...Ch...Chia



Socialite, make-believe actor, and notorious butter-face, Audrina Patridge, has finally realized her stock should be shorted and has settled for a relationship with her male unfamous counterpart, Ryan Cabrerra. At least she knows her place on the evolutionary ladder of reproductive fitness. Every single time she leaves her house, I bet she refers to her Post-It note attached to her fridge: Accentuate expensive drips of golden silicone honey to divert attention from Chia Pet boyfriend. Hollywood has become a complete joke. Imagine Clark Gable, Katharine Hepburn, Marlon Brando, Ingrid Bergman, Humphrey Bogart, Grace Kelly, Carey Grant, or Mae West hanging out at a Hollywood Party with the cast from the The Hills or Jersey Shore. I hate Hollywood more than Whitney Houston.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Am I the only one that doesn't get it...?




First if all, I have no effing clue who Christina Hendricks is...seriously. Second of all, if she was some smoking hot girl, I wouldn't care because I could still appreciate hotness within the enigma of anonymity. Except honestly, I've never seen this chick once unless her GINORMOUS breasts were accentuated up to her chin and her ridiculous red hair colored to a red found only in Crayola 128. She's just a walking hyperbole of what a woman should look like, which ironically, just doesn't work. Any one of the things she has going for her would typically work, but all in unison, FAIL. She looks like the Bride of Frankenstein and that freaks me the F out. This is exactly how I know that monthly magazines have "Jumped the Shark". When Esquire makes this chit Sexiest Woman Alive, I want to rip off my genitals and send them to Esquire. This chick, in the real world, wouldn't be the hottest chick on third shift as a roller skating server at Sonic. Just another chalked up reason why Hollywood sucks more than Cancer.

Blake Lively is kinda pretty...and by kinda...I mean VERY.




If you wake up everyday and stare into the mirror and looking back at you is someone on the Hills, pretending to be famous, your life sucks. It sucks mainly because you're on minute 14.8 of 15. Aside from that though, it sucks because you're a twenty something trying your best to exploit your 9 body and 6 face while hiding lack of talent, which by the way, isn't working...we can see you have no talent. I bet 100 dollars every one of those chicks, Audrina Cavallari, Heidi Port, Brody Conrad, or whatever their stupid names are, spend their nights sticking pins into voodoo dolls that look like Blake Lively. Honestly, she makes looking hot so simple. I would move 30 lbs of hot coals with my mouth for one chance to see her underpants. If your face and legs are this complimentary there's nothing you can be besides be the object of sexual starved men's fantasies. Not since Cindy Crawford has a mole on the face been more desirable. In the most creepy way imaginable, I look at it and wanna eat it like an M&M.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Tyra Banks is a comedic genius... P.s. Nice outfit.



I actually can't believe my eyes. I work hard everyday in the trenches and this woman is a celebrity. This woman is a model. It makes me physically ill to think that Tyra Banks is a millionaire. It also makes me physically ill to watch her salivate all over her audience. I would punch her in the face and rip off her weave if she did this to me. Behavior like that is something you see cannibal savages in Papua New Guinea do...not people with their own television show. I would have loved to be in the brainstorming session where Tyra's self-absorbed idiocy formulated this one.

Tyra: Oh...guys listen...hoooo hooooo (obnoxious laugh) claps hands,.....this is gonna be so damn funny yall. hoooo hoooo.

Creative Team: Waiting while continuing to lean into the conference table awaiting aforementioned funny idea.

Tyra: Get this yall! Git dis. Ok ok...I come out and tell my audience im not feeling well. Oh no even bettah...that I was out jogging and a dog bit me! Oh damn ya'll this gone be so funny. I'll say that they gave me a rabies shot! Oh damn! Then I'll pop a foaming pill in my mouth like an alka selzer or something and when I start foam, I'll act all crazy like I'm rabies.

Creative Team: Wide eyes...silence.

Tyra: You see? I can't wait! This gonna be the best show. Ok. Thanks for your input ya'll.

Creative Team: All looking at one another. Mouths open. Silence.

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