I've never known how in the hell those trolls Mark Kate and Ashley Olsen stayed famous after they were filmed pooping their pants as infants on Full House. To add insult to my personal injuries, they amassed a fortune of nearly a billion dollars while stumbling around SoHo in cartoonishly oversized clothes that look like they fished out of a dumpster. While these two turn every bad decision into millions, my life, comparatively speaking, is like a masterpiece of perfectly connected dots that ended up looking like Chaz Bono.
Turns out, the Ewoks have a sister. Her name is Elizabeth and boy oh boy, is she pretty. I mean, she's not THAT pretty, but you have to put things in perspective. This chick came from the same jumbled pot of genetics as 3'4" gremlins. Elizabeth isn't a prude either, which makes me very happy. Girls that are stingy with their God given abilities really have no place in my life. Elizabeth is some artsy indie movie and she bears it all. Unlike her sisters, thank God, she needs the money and fame and is willing to do the proper things to get it: Nudity. The movie has been a sundance hit and is called, "Martha Marcy May Marlene." Elizabeth even has some Oscar buzz. More young Hollywood starlets should learn the obvious glaring lesson from this story that I've been preaching for years: Take your clothes off and you'll be popular.
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