Could there be anybody more irrelevant?

JLH


I use initials because I physically don't have the effort to type her name out. Despite taking off her weight vest and slimming down to a size 8-10(cough)I mean size 2, she couldn't be more forgotten. I used to like her in 1998 for like 28 minutes...but now, well now, I can't even remember who I'm writing about. What were we talking about?

Jessica Simpson


The ultimate evidence that, whether admittedly or not, men and their love of breasts control the world. There is not one ounce of talent redemption in this girl. She essentially became famous for being a "hot girl fantasy" for men that dream of a pin up body on a girl too naive and stupid to know whether she's alive or dead. I used to say she's stupid like a fox, but then I saw her try to be a pop singer, then an actress, then a country singer. Babe, Chestica, stick with what you're good at doing. PSSST! (whispering) it's not singing or acting. If she didn't date Tony Romo and have ginormous jugs with an IQ of DD...I mean 14, she might actually be swallowed up by a zero gravity blackhole. I'm not a prognosticator, but if I had to guess, Romo will be as likely to marry Jessica as any man is to marry Jennifer Aniston.

Jessica Alba


Jessica Alba ruined the hopes and dreams for desperate men all over the world when she decided to marry some dude I've never heard of before. I've actually tried to like Alba, but I just can't quite drink the Kool-Aid. The best performance she's ever given was in Sin City. Primarily because she played a stripper in leather. Secondarily, because her thespian skillset leaves alot to be desired and luckily for us, she had like 2.21234 lines in the whole movie. I would mention Fantastic Four, but you wouldn't even know what in the hell I was talking about since no one saw it, and if you did, you've hopefully, with massive amounts of medication, regulated your seizures from watching Alba's performances in that adapted comic strip series. I'm not sure what she offers anymore...or perhaps ever did.

Lindsay Lohan


Practiced drunk, coke head, lesbian, fornicator, freckle producer, movie success annihilator, relationship assassin--What else could I possibly add to this? Even Lindsay's own mother, Dina Lohan, who sucks everything good and pure out of life on this earth, is ashamed of her. Her hideously ugly DJ girlfriend, who ironically, was made famous by Lindsay, I think, dumped her, changed the locks, and contemplated a restraining order. When you make someone famous by having sex with them, you know you're famous. When you win two consecutive Razzie awards, you're dead broke, and you're drinking your liver into toxic shock because SaMANtha Ronson, the girl you made famous by having sex with, broke up with you, changed the locks on her house, and contemplated a restraining order, you know you're painfully unfamous.

Katherine Heigl


I remember back in 1994 when My Father the Hero came out with that weird French guy with the bulbous penis shaped nose, I thought Katherine Heigl was dreamy. Then, as I grew into my adolescence and young adulthood, she struck again in the action packed sequel Under Seige 2. Looking back on the Under Seige and Speed movies, I feel I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. How stupid or high was I to willing suspend my disbelief and accept that two characters could be hijacked twice in their lifetimes. I digress. Anyway, Katherine Heigl has the audacity to have her career revived by Gray's Anatomy, leading to being cast as the lead in several blockbuster movies like Knocked Up and 27 Dresses; yet she continuously bashes the production crew of Gray's, openly criticizing its writers and producers, always walks around the streets looking haggard and homely while smoking. She said that she doesn't know if she'll return to the show so she can devote more time to her movie career. Gray's producers have retaliated by being hush hush about the future of her annoying and repulsive character, Izzie. They've hinted that they may kill off her character this year especially with her recent melanoma diagnosis. Since then, Katherine's proverbial tune has changed, stating that if the producers will "have" her back, she would absolutely return. Honestly, please kill this broad. Not only do I want her to die of Melanoma, I want her to get dillusions of parasitosis, tertiary syphilis, and esophageal genital warts, as she spends the remaining few months of her emaciating life begging for assisted suicide. Was that too harsh? Maybe a little.

Honorable Mentions:
Cameron Diaz
Kelly Ripa
Jessica Biel