I hate Beyonce more than AIDS.

I've been a little out of the loop this week due to focusing most of my efforts on feeding the hungry, knitting malaria nets for east African children and rescuing remote Amazonian villages from giant flesh eating Scarab beetles, but that being said, you know there's no way I could miss an opportunity to expose my arch nemesis, Fatonce Knowles. I was made aware of this recording Tuesday from a Sirius radio subscriber, who happens to be married to me, but I just simply haven't had the time to properly address this video and do my part to humiliate her and prove to the world that she has less talent than Lil Rounds. I knew it was bad because I had been warned, but nothing could've prepared me for the butcher job Crisco Knowles did of this already stolen song. I seriously have never heard anything performed this poorly. No, seriously, anything. Like for instance, one time in high school someone performing the National Anthem before a basketball game tried to hit the "red glare" note, but his voice cracked down like three octaves and his face was the only red glare in the room, but that still sounded like Luciano Pavarotti compared to this garbage. I know her "camp," whatever the hell that means, has already tried to do damage control on why she doesn't have the physical abilities to carry a tune, yet still manages to sell millions of records probably due to a note corrector; but honestly, Yahweh himself could appear in human form next to me on the couch right now in an attempt to further convince me she's good and there's still no way I would buy the excuses they're trying to sell me. This girl is an absolutely wretched singer and a horrible actress with a fake horse mane and huge gelatinous, cottage cheese thighs. No one on Earth would ever want to hear this pitiful attempt at music again, but if you were forced, and I mean forced as in a gun to your offspring's head, to recreate this musical magic, the only way it would be possible, would be to somehow bottle the mating shrieks of the Pygmy Tarsier and mix it with the hearing ability of Marlee Matlin and Helen Keller.