Did my heart love till now?
Forswear it sight,
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
Shakespeare--Romeo and Juliet
Lindsay Lohan is a like Aphrodite and Venus all wrapped into one earthly creature. Containing yourself in the same room as this butterfly would be efforts of futility. I have never seen someone move with the effortless grace, speak with an intoxicating harmony, and present themselves with such perfection and class. Lohan is like the Sirens of Circes Island. If you walk into a club and your eyes lock, the only way to not become a victim of her Spray Tan Tractor Beam would be to put wax in your ears, funnel Jager and pray for an 9.5 earthquake. In all seriousness, I know that the paparrazi can "catch" you looking less than perfect, but this...this is just a trainwreck of epic proportions. If you're famous and your spray tan is sloughing off like the skin of a burn unit patient, exfoliate or reapply. This broad looks like a mix between Meg Ryan in When a Man Loves a Woman and Ernie from Sesame Street. She's like a walking...I mean stumbling, talking...I mean slurring caricature of herself. Just when I thought no one on earth could make Britney Spears look sane and responsible, Lindsay Lohan was born and started drinking. If Lindsay Lohan were my daughter, I would cut off my penis with pinking shears just to ensure that by some accidental mishap I didn't procreate again.
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